an infinite series of anxieties
"The Rise" by Okkervil River
Waves on the graves of the saints.
Dull grey as the sea pushes land away.
Dull ache when you wake.
Grey smoke shows the way you walk
Down by when it's time.
I don't want to be there
When it's time to go
Down, down, I don't want to go
Down there alone.
March 4, 2018 Sunday 10:00 PM [Elise?]
I am many anxieties :)
On Friday, I spent most of the day with Marie, as well as another girl I really like, Selene. And we did biology homework and calculus 2 homework (infinite series.... are gross........). I had planned on watching a movie with Moby because I missed him, but then he invited me to dinner with him and Marie (they are friends) so I did. That. And when I was there, watching him laugh, my stomach hurt and I was annoyed with myself. At some point, they were all talking in that slanted way friends do—referencing someone Moby was texting—and I realized he was probably interested in another person (this seemed a reasonable conclusion from the context, but I could be wrong), and I had the most subdued waves of sadness kind of drown me in quietude. I think it was jealousy. I had the strangest difficulty naming the feeling. I didn't want to suddenly find out I was into him after I did The Dumb Thing of "ending" things with him. I guess it's only dumb if it turned out I made the wrong decision, though.
We amassed more people. This girl Nadiya (she's super weird and I love her?) and this dude Eli. Eli seemed kind of nice, very chatty, but he kept doing this awkward thing where'd he'd lean forward to seed Moby at the other end of the table so he could be all, "I like this one," or, "Where did you find this girl? Good for you!" I thought maybe he just didn't know Moby and I weren't a thing anymore. Later, we migrated to Moby's room and took a shot of Bacardi rum. Eli, right before this, implied Moby was habitually attracted to hispanic women after I mentioned something about my dad possibly having a thing for hispanic women (can't remember where I gleaned that. Pretty sure he once told me he was more attracted to non-Americans?). I didn't understand this because I'd seen Moby's previous girlfriends and they were white, so did that mean he was into someone new? Who was hispanic? Eli then asked Moby, post-shot, how he felt about me. I immediately yelled, "Stop!" and Eli was like, "Sorry, too far? Not there yet? Okay." So I was under the impression he just—again—did not realize. Moby mouthed a sorry to me and said "We're just friends," to Eli.
Later, Moby told me Eli knew. Which frustrated me—because then why was he being a dick??? Why was he poking at fresh wounds??? What a penis. When I relayed this to Karina, she got so mad, but I thought maybe she was misdirecting her emotion—sliding it away from the memory of her grandfather's funeral this weekend, the stress of that, and into her frustration towards Actual Assholes. Karina agreed that this was probably the case. She has had no patience with assholes lately, which isn't a bad thing, but she just gets so worked up. I think it must be her grandfather.
I don't know. After getting a couple more drinks in me, I managed to drag Moby off to a corner to tell him I was wrong and that it was okay if nothing was done about it, because I know I am confusing. He said he'd like to leave it alone—for his sake, I think he said, but I was in a rush to get out of there although this was not something I was conscious of—and I called myself dumb and we went back to the room. I asked if we could still do platonic cuddling. He said yes, so at least I have that. I hope this is enough to tide me over, I dunno. God, I am dying on the inside, I am so shocked at this weird emotion—I feel like it's deep in me, but it's all under cover of darkness and I can't make out the shape of it or predict where it will go how it will manifest itself. I am so confused, and I hate that because.... because usually I have a clearer idea of where I'm coming from. But this just makes no sense to me.
Why did I feel so confidently un-attracted to him last week???? Am I lonely???? Is that it? Why was I so confident that I was right???? Will my feelings change again at the drop of a dime???????? Am I just scared I won't find someone else?
Later, I cried in the bathroom with Marie and Nadiya. I said, I think I made a mistake with Moby. And Nadiya said, "Yes, you did." And then I started crying and calling myself stupid because I was I-don't-know-how-many drinks in.
(I don't know how I feel about so much of my emotional outbursts occurring while I'm inebriated—dunno if that's healthy? Seems sometimes like that's the only way I can do it without feeling numb/emotionally constipated??? Also, should I be drinking this much? Almost every weekend, or like 3/4 weekends? Should I be more introspective? I feel like much of my writing has centered around the external lately; I just don't have much about myself I want to share; I think about myself privately and that works)
Anyway, yes. We sat together and I confessed that I was worried they wouldn't like me if I hurt Moby. They said no. Marie admitted when Moby told her she was like, "That sucks but I still like Veronica." Oh god I was relieved. I love Marie.
Nadiya asked me why I did it. I told her that I'd had a dream about another guy, and it was strong attraction I guess and I was worried because I didn't feel in that moment the same about Moby and I didn't want to string him along and hurt him so I told him almost as soon as I realized.
Nadiya said, "That's so pure! You didn't want to hurt him. Ugh, that's so pure."
I told them I cried after.
"That's a sign," said Nadiya.
"Not necessarily," said Marie, and I agreed more with her. I thought I was crying because I felt bad for making him sad, and for not regretting it, etc. I think that was how I felt then. Now I am just... perplexed. It is better that Moby said no to me—turned me down. It is better that we just be friends for a while and that I figure out how to feel. Nadiya and Marie agreed.
Now I am just anxious because it seemed like Moby and I were fine after that, and the next day, and we texted a bit today, but now I am worried that I might have jeopardized things. Maybe I should've let Moby alone with his feelings so he could just be okay???? Ah, fuck, I don't know, but I have been worrying about this even when I am not strictly thinking about it, which makes me feel guilty because I wanted to focus on Karina's issues today since she has much bigger emotional things to tackle than I do. But it made my stomach hurt, and my stomach still hurts, and I am worried I won't be able to do my homework very efficiently which means I will sleep less and tomorrow will be death. Sigh.
Okay. I should go read the rest of that short Faulkner story, and then I can freak out later. :)
PS: god all this fear strikes me as so stupid—and childish. I should just be fine. It isn't like any of this is supposed to be serious. But for some reason I am all shut up tight on the inside.