Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2018-02-26 06:47:59 (UTC)

Is avoiding a type of being?

I'm not sure how to go about evaluating today.
It was overall a pretty nice day, considering I got dressed, got out, and did something for myself which made me happy.
Then I went to work, and only a half hour in I realized how awkward and unsociable I was being, and instead of catching a break and joining in on the conversation, I decided it would be easier to keep the quiet going for the rest of the 3.5 hours. And I feel terribly guilty for the distress it probably caused those I was working with. I really hope they don't think I hate them- especially since I know it shows when I sort of hate myself.
In my head there was no animosity toward the other workers. It was really just a struggle for me to stay kind to myself.
It all began when I said to myself "it's been over a week Jen, most people would've found some common ground to talk about by now."
I just get so impatient, then stubbornly discompassionate.
And I realized that my main hobby is just staring at tv and pretending to be not alive anyway.

I'm an adult now too, so I feel as if I should know to take some social responsibility by now. Despite how I am feeling. (but at the same time as my own caretaker I need to go easy on myself, despite how others feel about me) (I suppose there is a middle ground way of being which lets me apologize for when I get like this, but holding that over myself also feels like an impossibility)
I wish I could just let this all go. It's hard to have patience so I usually just avoid it entirely.
I can accept myself the way I am though.
I can just let this all go. I'm afraid to face it for any length of time, since I've got work again tomorrow.

If I were to reframe even the worst parts of today, I'd say it like this.
It was an improvement. I put up that wall that said I can be quiet, but I can't hate myself for that. I then found some compassion for myself, niched in the forgotten art of being gentile and kind to oneself. I might be a weakling on the outset, but that's only because of the gauntlet of harshness I have put myself through. I don't have to put myself through that anymore. I may not have connected really today, but I did manage to finally find an island of peace within myself, despite myself.

And I find it really hard to accept
that I know better than all of this, I know that my duty to those around me transcends my emotions about myself. It has to, since the way I feel about myself is slow moving, and it's nobody's fault apart from my own. Or, at least, I am the only one who can truly take responsibility for my behavior
I wonder if thinking like that is gentile too.
because it doesn't feel like love, it feels like tough love. I don't want to be loved toughly right now. or ever.

What if I left responsibility up to the higher powers entirely, and let myself, who I am in my purest state, be swept away by the magic of being.
would that be so bad?
I just want to be loved.

I want to accept and commit to myself. I suppose I wonder a bunch about who I'd be committing to. I suppose that's not a thing I can wholly control. I suppose I just have to commit to it.
I suppose I remember now that at the end of the day, it's me who is there for myself
despite myself being unlike the me that I want to be.
I can still rely
so long as I try- even as a last ditch
to be the me I want to be




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