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2018-02-25 02:05:35 (UTC)


"Dreams" by Fleetwood Mac [been in a fleetwood mac mood all afternoon—sung Sara, Dreams, and Silver Springs over and over again while at work]

Listen carefully to the sound
Of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost, and what you had, and what you lost

Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Say women they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know, you'll know

February 25, 2018 1:09 AM Sunday

I am very sad.

This week has not been very good in general, not sure why (even though it was only 3 days long). I have felt very shitty. I ended up doing terribly on an essay for my literature class, and then I totally just gave up on doing my math homework and I didn't even go to section. I took a nap on both Wednesday and Thursday, three hours each, which probably only served to make me feel more depressed honestly.

On Thursday's nap, I had a dream about Dan from literature and when I woke up I knew I had to "break up" with Moby. Or, just, stop whatever it is we were doing. So I did that on Friday, after sitting on the decision for a day. I wasn't sure if it was an impulse thing or what, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn't want to break it off because:

I wanted to feel something
I didn't want to see him all hurt
I was worried it would damage the prospect of us being friends in the future
I worried it would damage my relationships with his friends
I didn't want to return to loneliness.

The whole thing sucked. I don't want to go over it—it was pretty quick, I think he sensed it coming as soon as I texted him the whole, "I need to talk to you," thing. And I just remember his shining eyes looking through the world and this big pimple on his forehead. And the only reassurances I can take from this are (1) in the moment, as I watched him and analyzed the corresponding emotions that he elicited in me, I was more sure than ever I could not be romantically and/or sexually attracted to him as an individual—only as a Male Specimen. Oh, and also (2) he will be fine because he has friends (something I lack severely, sigh), and generally he is resilient.

I surprised myself by crying afterwards in my room, and I've been pretty much mildly despaired since then. I had a nightmare that he switched work shifts with me because he knew I'd been drinking the night before and he didn't want me to be penalized for being late or something, idk. And I was just guilted and shocked by his niceness. Moby is pretty much the nicest person ever. I think it is his comfort/safety that allowed me to get through my fears enough to realize I didn't like him that way. Sux for him tho. The rest of my dream was terrible, consisted of me being scolded for various made-up reasons ("That salami is for guests only!" like what the fuck does that mean, i just wanted to eat a slice of salami okay leave me alone). And also I had angry fits and ended up being dragged away at some point, only to find out my angry fit was for nothing...

Yeah. Karina's grandfather died earlier this week so she has been a hermit, very strange as Karina is the most extroverted person I know. I've tried to give her space and stuff. Yesterday night, she came over and we watched most of Rango before suddenly she was like, "Wanna go to this party?" Earlier, she'd asked if I wanted to go to a different party, but Moby was present and I didn't want to ruin his night with my presence. So we ended up going to this other one and drinking and Karina got very drunk while I unfortunately did not. Which sucks, because my onky goal was to get drunk enough to not cry before I fell asleep that night. I mean, goal accomplished (I fell asleep watching youtube to drown out the thoughts), but I just would've preferred to be shitfaced is all.

Karina was talking to this guy she knew, and he kept walling me off with his body, which both Karina and I noticed. I didn't tell Karina this (because she already worried enough about whether I felt excluded), but the whole thing made me feel more lonely than I already felt. I started to sort of zone out and all I wanted was to fucking, hah, fill my veins with alcohol. I honestly still want to do that, but I have no way to get drinks now and it's way too late to start drinking anyway. I am just going to do homework until like 4 AM probably.

I am just very sad. And extremely lonely. I woke up at 4 PM today. When I went to work at 7 PM, it was okay for a bit, but I just felt... ugh. Like my body was pouring through the hole of my belly button. I imagined an hourglass, with the sand falling through itself, and that is what I believed I was too. I didn't mind the work, it was meditative and nice, but the walk home made me depressed. I walked through one of the greens, which the week before had been covered in snow and not rain, and I'd been with Karina and Moby and we had fun. And then I spent that night next to Moby. And I wondered why in the morning I didn't feel much of anything (in the absence of the guilt/panic/floaty-numbness I felt at the beginning of our "fling" or whatever)(to clarify, the feelings of guilty & co. were nonspecific and not caused by Moby; they were more just a consequence of closeness with romantic connotations. That shit tends to freak me out).

God, I just feel so bad (all for selfish reasons, tbh). I am realizing that Moby was like half my social life and now I don't really know what to do? I guess make friends, haha. I'm gonna ask that Dan guy to eat some food with me tomorrow, if I am not feeling sad anymore. Otherwise I will text either a girl who shares my name, Veronica, or this other girl I know from last semester, Vicky, to come eat something with me.

I need to be okay, because I have a lot of shit to do and this is interfering with my ability to concentrate. Speaking of which, gotta go read some Lord Jim. I hope I die. I'm kidding. Goodnight.

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