MissEnlightenment

Bipolar Mama
2018-02-24 16:24:38 (UTC)

Hot for teacher

Please excuse the silly name, but I am absolutely fixated on the events that occurred on my date last night.
I had my date with Maurice, who evidently goes by Maury. He was high energy, smart, good listener, genuine, clearly passionate about his work and life, a family guy, clearly thoughtful and understanding. It's taking all my best reasoning to keep from allowing myself to become overexcited. He teaches a specialized high school class for students with mental illnesses which only further warms my suspicions of us connecting on the deep, mutually respecting levels I've always hoped for.
One date is only one date of course, and its important I don't allow my idea of who he is cloud my vision moving forward, so I'll try not to theorize further. One thing I am certain about is I want to give him my full potential. The fear of rejection sits in the back of my mind, but I no longer operate off fear. I'm determined to make the sacrifices necessary to assure myself that if this is a 'potential', I am in the place I need to be, and developing the types of habits I wish to pursue with my eventual forever.
Which brings me to the other men in my life. I had prior-scheduled a date with Anastasios (did I even write about him? - he basically looks like he came out of a romance model.. with the ego to prove it, a prospect I considered less for his looks and more for his passion of body mechanics/health and confidence. I also found it feasible that I 'needed' a man with a bit of an ego to keep me interested. Quite contraire I found myself losing interest within a week and meeting Maury really solidified the impossibility for me.) So i cancelled that date. Next is Mohsen, sweet Mohsen. Mohsen offered the type of effort I yearned for when I was with Kyle. Mohsen romanced me in ways I thought onlys existed in romance novels. Beyond that, we truly got along. in the short period of time that we've known eachother, we've butt heads, helped each other grow, and even cried together, sharing our vulnerabilities. The qualities are there but the life experience/paths were not. I always knew, and was always clear about, that we were in far too different areas of life. He's always responded with an enthusiasm for trying his best regardless. Needing comfort, I allowed him... a decision I feel somewhat regretful for currently. It had felt wrong all along, but now I realize it was very wrong, not because I used him, (I think to some degree we used eachother) but because I allowed myself to ruin a perfectly good friendship in exchange for instant gratification. I'm not saying Mohsen and I would have neccessarily been friends (and more likely not), but hurting him feels wrong. I will defend myself by saying that I am learning, and although I was not ignorant to the likelihood of this ending in hurt, I was simply trying to get to know myself better, but I should not have used his friendship (knowing he wants more) to do so.




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