simply me

my wee diary
2018-02-23 15:27:07 (UTC)

friday , x

sitting late on a friday afternoon , a week off work always seems well earned but alas it does not feel like a holiday , knowing that the minute my routine is out i feel i die a little quicker , only the sore head i feel right now backs up my case . An extra 4 hours in bed this morning with the overall effect of feeling like my batteries were empty , maybe being on my own for so long now has had an effect , well i know it has .
i'll head off to train later , an hour a day to keep me moving and keep my knees going , such is life in this day and age , i'm not sure whats more painful , having sore knees or being on my own , i must be getting old , i still can't find love , the never ending story of my life , the older my heart gets the further away from my soul it feels , what id give to find an early morning smile and a light heart , nothing in life and in this day and age is as simple as that .
what does anyone look for these day , the world is full of brilliant ideas but no one wants to take them on , self preservation seems to be the only thing on the agenda. its a strange feeling knowing how damaging life is these days .
on my day off , calls everyday from work , my job getting the better of me , big deep breaths , strongest person i know is me but works made so difficult by opinions and egos , work isn't a chore but working with people is so difficult at times , i'll soon be at the end i guess, we are all slaves to some degree , i'm not sure what i am these days , i don't spend the money i earn now , it just sits, food on the tray , ive given up sitting at a table , what will go next i wonder .
i need someone just to hold . not for sex , nothing more than to hold and feel human again , been on my own so long now i feel empty and immune to feelings and my heart is drifting further away , it'll never be dark , just quieter , it longs for sparkly eyes and a good heart who knows hold to hold a lost soul , that is the are quality that will be forever missing .
times have changed , do i or will i ever feel love , what constitutes love , i know how it feels to loose it , to be in someone's presence , knowing i might never see her again , i couldn't even speak , her friend driving and for an hour my life stopped as i took it all in , tears running and speech less , oo the power of love , but alas , impossible position are taken , they say you should always keep an open mind but so difficult to contain the feelings of an impossible position , probably why i work so hard and train so hard , i guess i use my knees as an excuse to exercise relentlessly and keep my demons at bay , no beer or whisky or drugs , just the pure battle of keeping myself sane in the face of inevitable failure .
its been a while since i've been on here , my life is very basic , quite normal but very painful , i do know this though , life without pain isn't living , whats the old saying , walk the path less travelled , its more fulfilling , its an interesting situation , all my paths are getting narrower .




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