Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2018-02-23 05:28:59 (UTC)

Thanks, brain

So it's been another day at work where I find myself in a mood that's hard to shake. I can't say that I did know how to shake the feelings I've been feeling, either. So I just let them happen, on a low-key basis of course, but they happened.

At least though, I did recognize that I'm starting to get stuck in a black and white, personalized way of seeing other people. By that I mean that I'm starting to feel like everyone else doesn't like me- a couple times I caught myself being suspicious of some other employees talking about me. I'm always afraid they'll talk about me and speculate on how quiet I am. This is just silly though, even if they did talk about me it wouldn't be to undermine my sense of security with them, it would probably be so that they can trade notes about who I am and get a better understanding of me. And reality check- nobody was talking about me ever anyway.

Also, my negative world beliefs are kind of taking shape and I want to talk about them.
I seem to believe on some level that I'm unlovable.
And I seem to believe that my opinion of myself isn't trustworthy- especially if it's good.

This is all too confusing and every time I start to dissect my worldview by experiencing it I start to get dizzy.
but also I think I'm coming down with something.

I'm having a lot of trouble practicing compassion for myself lately. I suppose that began with me breaking things off with Shawn, and my life choices since then have been piled on top. It's the whole forgiveness thing that I have trouble finding reason for compassion about.

And it's okay that I do this, it's ok. that I'm imperfect. I hold myself to a high standard of kindness and success that life outside that bubble of expectation isn't worth my attention.

And I find that even as I started this post, and in my recent history, my focus has been to eliminate the malfunctory behaviors I possess, instead of expanding on the positive ones. It seems productive but doing things this way I tend to get caught up ruminating, which means me criticizing myself to the point of reversing progress. It's just harder to let go of my own faults in this way. What is a productive method is to capitalize on my good behaviors, because rewarding myself for being good is just generally more enjoyable than punishing myself for being bad. Finding the compassion to let mistakes go as they happen-
that's something I can do,

{break and reset} ---[let go and refocus]

I find that since I have a long haul of work tomorrow there's a small pool of anticipatory anxiety building. That, added onto the residual guilt from today's actions have led to my avoidance coping mechanism being triggered, and even though I did look forward to sorting some feelings out in this diary tonight, that desire was pushed off because it's easier in general to not deal when the fear is real.
the fear, of course, being the anxiety and overexxagerated imagination I have for the way others think about me, and the way I will react in any given situation. I feel like understanding that my fears aren't rational, and are just manifestations of malfunctory physical responses is ultimately calming, and suddenly I feel like the tenseness that's gathered around my lips is diminished.

I've been doing a bit of reading on cognitive behavioral coping techniques,* and it led me to learn about the avoidance coping mechanism. I read also that it's anecdote lies in acceptance-commitment therapy. I hope to find a way to apply this to my worldview and such so that running away from the uncertainties of being independent aren't so daunting.
I suppose that fear is just one that I've blown out of proportion too.
But there are a few other things at home which I've been running toward too. That's a step forward isn't it?
I can still make this choice work well for me.
Even though it feels like nothing, I think I'm learning something being at home. It's one of those scenarios where it feels like everything falling apart, but really they're also falling into place.

and I feel like under all this there's still an undercurrent of vicious doubt undermining my desire to do the right thing by myself. I've been trying to live life on a basis of doing things that I actually want to do, after living life by what I have to do for so long, that doing even the things for myself that I should want to do- like take care of myself- aren't things that I want right now.
It's hard to comprehend whether applying discipline here is or should be necessary.
I suppose it is, regardless of the should or shouldn't- it's what I believe in the larger schema of things.
It's my responsibility to take responsibility for who I am as a human being. (even if having compassion for that being is hard to come by) (even if the life I lead doesn't follow a pretty narrative)
I don't know how I mean to say what I'm saying it's just that finally saying them is gratifying.
and I think that's a sign that that's a day for me.


*specifically psychology today articles by Alice Boyes, PhD




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