✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2018-02-22 05:31:02 (UTC)

I'm Too Much


Dear Reader,

Nights are always the worst for me, but I guess it's because I hold it in all day because I have to be around people, and it's pretty much the only time I can be totally alone.

But even after I lower the masks, and I'm definitely safe to let go.. It's not a sudden exhale, it's a slow inch-by-inch into the pool.. because I still try to fight going into the water at all... I don't want to cry.. I don't want to feel...

I decided to watch a new show to pass the time...


My eyelids were so swollen the morning after I wrote my last entry.. from how much I cried while writing it.

I feel like I can never get close to anyone again.. like I'm so afraid of the same things happening again..

My problems just.. they're too much. I'm too much.

I lost Josh because of it.. and now Nick.

How can I do it all over again.. how can I not be too much?

I don't know if I'll even make more friends like I had, because of how awkward I am.. how hard it is to be myself around other people..

I'm all alone, and it hurts.. but not as much as it hurts to be a burden on someone you love. I remember one of the times we fought..
And I said we're tearing each other apart.. and he said: "No, you're tearing us apart."

That's stuck with me all this time..

In my last entry I talked about a time where we were going through issues because of me being afraid and anxious.. and I was.. pulling away because of it.. That whole thing lasted three or four days...

I'm polyamorous.. and back then I was struggling with... our monogamous relationship. I felt so afraid I wanted to run as far away, and I would have if I hadn't loved him so much...

My anxiety was through the roof those three days.. and I remember we skyped, and I tried talking to him about it... and I was crying.. and I guess it was.. hurting him..

I remember the way he looked at me, and his frustrated expression, and he said "I don't know what the fuck you want me to do about it." And he leaned back, out of view of the camera.. and I just.. pulled my shirt over my face and cried.

I honestly don't remember what happened next, but we had apparently made up... and I was trying to pull myself back together..
And honestly, I couldn't. I remember the second day, trying my hardest not to break back down.. frustrated with myself not feeling any better... and that was when we skyped, and the light shone behind him from his window in his room.. and he was wearing his blue hoodie, and he seemed happy.. and I couldn't stop thinking about why am I like this...

That evening as I was setting the table, I remember coming to the conclusion that.. I needed to tell him we needed space.. or we needed to like.. not be official.. take steps back.. basically backpedal, or part. Because I was losing my damn mind.

I cried as I talked to him that night.. I cried and cried, because i knew it was going to be bad.. and I knew there was a possibility I was going to lose him, and I had planned the next morning to do it..

And the next morning when I woke up, I messaged him and asked if we could talk..

He immediately knew it was the same issue about us.. and he was angry.. and he said some things like let's just break up or something.. let's just do this.. do that...

He was hurt.. and I don't remember what happened afterward.. all I remember is we didn't separate.. he tried to do what he thought would help..

We had ups, and downs since then...

I've been wanting to sit down one day, and just talk about it... write about our entire relationship from beginning to end.. but I don't know.. I don't know how I'll even write about J passing away either.. I'm just not ready. I'm not ready for summer either...
J died in June, and a month later Josh and I broke up...


Looking back at our relationship, and how different I am coming out of it.. how differently I see love, and other people..

Makes me wonder how I can possibly do it again.

Maybe it's just not for me.

=Sincerely,
TooMuch





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