Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2018-02-22 03:23:08 (UTC)

insert thoughtful title

I'm feeling emotionally drained; sometimes being myself is hard.
What I didn't enjoy about today were the long silences at work, consisting of me marinating in my own self observation of self (dis)appreciation. I tried very hard and well to not mentally participate in the self-loathing, and I would give myself an a for that. In fact, this resistance of the self hate I think is starting to give me an in on winning over some teammate's opinions of me, cus in the little moments I have a nice sense of humor. But otherwise, I recognized that just because I know that I no longer want to engage in a thought, I don't necessarily have it in me to fully engage in the opposite. Patience.

Socially, I found myself constantly looking for an invitation to participate in things. But at the same time, I know that the whole looking to be included is really about letting myself be included- I sort of do believe that I can't be in a loop. I sort of don't feel deserving. I'm not even sure what the missing piece is that makes me feel deserving.

Right now I'm really distracted by my mother who just came in my room and kissed me on the head and I honestly feel repulsed by the feeling it left on me. It's moments like these where I know I feel this throbbing hurt from her and it causes me to have a distaste in anything she touches.
It gives me a headache to think about the sheer volume of my loathing.
It's not healthy to let myself feel I think. But it hurts.
And I feel even more guilty for feeling this way- my mother is not a terrible mother. She is a very good mother, she tries even if her efforts aren't good, they are still a lot more than what a lot of other mothers give. I feel like it's my fault for not seeing her in a positive light. Or finding a way to.

Or maybe I do know a way to not let this hatred consume me- it's just any time this snag of a thought catches my attention, it gains speed over every other thought and just takes hold like a weed.
too many metaphors? maybe you're reading the wrong diary.

At work today there is a developing incident with the other manager-dude. Did I mention he looks like my ex? (I never thought I'd be the type of person to call their previous boyfriends by the moniker 'ex'- it sounds so dehumanizing) Well, anyways, he looks, acts, and is about the same hight as him and I just get this weird familiar feeling when I see him out of the corner of my eye.
Honestly, though, I don't know if it's really 100% this or if it's also the fact that I'm just always backwards around guys in general; and this just adds to the pile of awkward. Poor him, he was picked on by everyone else for being moody, but I feel as if I had something to do with it. I mean, the deafening silence that follows me can cause a real coldness in anyone.

I know I'm thinking about this all wrong. But I don't feel quite ready to point fingers at any trains of thought yet.

I had a thought earlier while hanging out with my brother's friends. They're such a friendly, welcoming people that I start to become so aware of the way I interact with humanity (both my own and at large). As I was feeling their vibes and thinking about life; I started to pontificate the nature of my family life to point the blame on those closest when we fall short. But how would this, this benevolent, altruistically kind person begin to address a situation?
I mean, for starters, this person would be able to attack any interpersonal problems with a level of empathy and self awareness which I just haven't reached in my life yet. So given that hinderance, they would probably remove themselves from the situation, given they also had the strength enough for themselves to forgive their own trespasses and start again.

Then I went to the restroom and rethought the method I did take to start my own life. I started with the anger readily available to me and used that to build a wall between me and the habits my family uses to perpetuate their own learned helplessness. Then I took that space and started to build up my own sense of empathy and confidence by making the right emotionally challenging choices for me. I tried to lean on my family when times got rough, but they weren't always reliable (or more like they were always reliable to be a certain level of emotionally unreliable). Stage 3 was learning to rely (and trust) others for [real] emotional support. I did and didn't make it through this stage- I was (am) still depending on my parents.

This whole summer I had this image in my mind of a little kid, afraid to jump in the cold swimming pool. That little girl is me- this is my life. I am the timid one.

I wish I could say that was a push off point for me. But it wasn't. I just felt more weak and insecure.
But the fact that I'm experiencing some friction with this image kind of indicates that maybe there's something else there that needs to be examined.
Like, for one, the impatience I have with myself where I'm at right now.

Like, my fuzzy distinction between my own identity and my family's? How they're both strangely conflated with the other?
(How separating them feels like surgery?)
How I struggle to take on a sense of personal responsibility and recognize where my load begins and ends..

goodnight, I'm running on too little sleep to be up this late.




Ad: