✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2018-02-19 14:32:53 (UTC)

Wish I Could Talk To Him

Dear Reader,

Josh is on my mind right now.

I miss him.. so much.

Sometimes I just get really really strong urges to message him, and want to talk to him.

Even though we couldn't be together, I just wish we could talk again.. like as if nothing bad happened and it wouldn't be awkward.. and I could make him laugh and smile again, and feel like everything's just going to be okay..

I think back to everything I messed up, and the shitty things I said and wish I had done everything differently..

I bought a burgundy hoodie, and while I was wearing it, it actually made me remember a blue hoodie kinda like it that he had, and I remember there was a time he wore it while we Skyped, the day before I was feeling very insecure about us, and anxious.. and I remember looking at him, looking at him in his hoodie and being so.. attracted to him, and my brain was being stupid and I just remember being so anxious that I thought over and over what is wrong with me.. why can't I just be normal.. why am I so afraid.

And the next day I basically told him I needed space because I was suffocating..

What I didn't want to admit was I just can't handle monogamy.

My problems lead him to resent me gradually, and I could feel it , which only made my issues worse...

I'm pretty much alone now without nick.

That night that I unfriended Nick, I nearly messaged Josh to beg him to please skype with me or something because I couldn't handle it.. and the only reason I didn't message him was because I fell asleep before I finished typing it.

I didn't have the nerve to send it to him the next day.

My dog messed up the pin he bought me before we broke up, and I actually replaced it, and I keep it on the small backpack purse thing I carry around.

I just wish I knew what to do.

Sincerely,
CanYouHearMe?




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