šŸƒAmanda22Janeā¤

Ghost Writer
2018-02-16 11:48:31 (UTC)

Friday Before Midnight.

I got really drunk yesterday...eventually...not good. I ended a quite pleasant Summer's evening with walking home from GP71's place and wanting to collapse on the lawn outside my place and die. It was an extremely overwhelming moment or two trying to pull myself together under the influence of wine. I got changed straight away into my sarong that I wear to bed, turned on the air con, then lay down and cried. I went through the toughest time that I have EVER experienced in the past 24 months of hanging out severely for another wine and at the same time realising that any more wine last night would've hurt me. Mindfulness and crying and feeling the pain of hanging out, mingled with my grief of losing Aunty M. and beautiful Sparkles who relocated this morning all came out last night in a private torrent of pain. TMF dropped off a delicious bottle of bubbles tonight and I've just finished it. Best I don't have any more. I am broke. Spent most of my weekly income on wine, twp packets of smokes @ $22 a pop (ftbullshit price but this NZ) & not much food. Hope TMF will buy me a bit of food...I have some but not much...better than nothing.
Today was a sad and lonely day because I could feel Sparkles absence from the moment I woke up...she's gone...a big part of me is relieved and overjoyed for her because she doesn't have to bear anymore abuse and suffering at the hand of her alcoholic father.

I wish you well Sparkles and this aunty hopes and prays that your life will get better and your dreams may ever remain in your arms...

I do not know when I will see you again Sparkles...

I have missed my grandchildren deeply and painfully as well today and thought about all the other siblings' children who are reaching/have reached adulthood...may your lives be beautiful children...love granma and auntie.

Coffee this evening earlier with GP71 went miraculously well. He has turned another positive corner which makes that three times now in the seven months I have known him. TMF had a prayer over the phone with GP71 too tonight.
Hope I have time to write here tomorrow at the library.




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