MissEnlightenment

Bipolar Mama
2018-02-13 13:56:59 (UTC)

Saw Kyle Last Night- Interview with Yolanta then Business Aliance Meet Today

Today I will meet with Yolanta at 1pm at Aquafit to discuss our possible collaboration... I'm very excited and I feel that aquafit would benefit me greatly so I hope all goes well!
At 6:30 tonight I will attend a 'London Entrepreneur/Business Alliance' Meetup (found through meetup.com) where there will be a guest speaker and accountant to give us info on business write offs, such a great and free opportunity!

Last night I had to meet with Kyle due to some complications with the bank account we had together. As usual he was shy and didn't initiate a 'catch-up' but prompty accepted when offered. We sat down at the bar across from my place, had a few drinks and shared how we felt about the situation. I basically told him I didn't think I'd ever have the intimacy that we had again (as my heart ached.. comparing Mohsen to him with great disapointment) but that I felt confident me and him would never work, and I'm over it. He basically said the same minus being over it. I'm not sad per-say, but I am concerned for his well-being. He tells me he talks to no one, his friends are letting him down and hes turning 'to the bottle'. I think about how hard things have been for me and how much harder they would be if that were my situation. I find myself feeling like I'm back in that relationship, faced with Kyle's problems, but this time its different because finally, they are not my own. I sincerely wished him the best and I hope our time spent helps and not hurts him.

I realized last night more than ever that I really may never have that again. That, our intimacy, my personally defined 'peak' of intimacy, was primarily based on control. We looked to one another to solve the problems within ourselves, and cooporated a system where we could answer to insecurity rather than trust. As I consider new options and open my eyes to the men around me, my tolerance for catering to fear behind me, I think of what might be different in this type of progression. Where with Kyle seemed to be a pledge of unwavering agreeance, my new endeavors seem to be respect for differences. I know this is the right path, and I know how intoxicating the former to be. Is this the way it will be or am I selling respect for differences short? Spending all my time with Mohsen probably isn't helping me answer that question. Today I thought perhaps I'd be better off telling Mohsen I am basically sure we will never work out, and if he wants causal sex I'm here... but as I've noticed the trance of comfortability already, its probably best we don't get too comfortable.




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