taking heed

slightly exaggerated
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2018-02-05 06:47:12 (UTC)


I (felt) like I almost died on Friday.

T came over after taking off work with mental health issues and I had the bright idea of doing shrooms (again). I guess I took too much on a mostly empty stomach. Things went absolutely sideways and I was blasted with an amount of anxiety that was casuing me physical pain and no matter what I did, kept escalating.

T left and uber'd home because she was freaking out also and needed her dog. I felt terrible about that, and it exacerbated the negativity in my trip, but it would have been worse if she stayed. My discomfort of being around people was being employed by the drug.

I spent an hour straight sobbing like a baby into a blanket as the lid was blown clean off every negative thought and emotion I've been trying to keep under control. I've never felt so scared of my own mind and the thoughts inside - I'm in so much pain, more than I realized maybe, it's so deep and part my identity now.

Things seem different now. I feel like the experience both broke me and clarified some things for me.

I wish there was a way to remember everything, every thought during, so I could analyze it all better during a sober state, but it's a jumbled and muddied now. I'll try to piece it together better over the coming days.