Traumatized

Psychologically fucked
2018-02-10 16:23:19 (UTC)

everything is blocked

They let me use the computer.......but everything is blocked...even my old entries I cant read them.
I'm hurting. A pain ive never felt and I thought that in my life I had felt all the different pains there were to feel but then here I am feeling something new. I cant describe it. I'm angry that she wants to force me to live through this. Its so unfair. How can you watch me knowing how bad I hurt and just force me to stay. I feel brain dead and no one wants to pull the plug. I feel like a vegetable. Like I just have to live my life doing this same routine over and over and over again. My head hurts from the pressure. Nothing is changing these feelings and I guess its because that's truly how I feel, not even a medication can change my mind. I don't want to hurt her, to hurt anyone...but I don't trust myself...I know deep down I'm going to lose...and this time I just wont tell anyone. I don't want help. I don't want to be saved anymore. I just want to go in peace. I just want to float. that's what I picture...me just floating and feeling nothing. They will be mad at first but one day they will realize a huge weight had been lifted off their shoulders...that my presence wasn't good for them anyway. I don't need to be understood anymore. I don't care if anyone understands, if anyone forgives me, if everyone hates me...I give all of me to everyone and do nothing for myself...I deserve this. I deserve my goodbye...I deserve to be able to control atleast one thing in my life,...I can control my goodbye. Ill be at peace...for once.




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