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2018-02-07 13:17:52 (UTC)

More Acceptance

Adventures in Dating. That’s what it was called. I’ve since given up on it. Got tired of endlessly chasing my tail. It’s a fruitless effort since I’m not the perfect specimen of female. Too fat, too thin, too ugly, not enough, my teeth are messed up, and of course there’s my work hours. They don’t allow me to make plans. Being called in at a moment’s notice just doesn’t help. I don’t go to bars since I don’t drink. I don’t have anything that I really do outside of the house. The Knight had wanted me to get into LARP but it’s an expensive hobby that I just don’t have the money for. Especially having to pay not just for the costumes to wear, but also for just about every little thing. Again, there’s also getting the time off from work and that just isn’t possible without a month’s notice. If I don’t go in, if I say no, I know it’s quite possible that I would lose my job. Yes, they can do that.

Once more I’ve embarked on talking to a counselor. Who once more another tells me the Lion is emotionally abusive. That what’s wrong with me is simply no self-esteem or self-worth. I don’t dare say anything to anyone because most of the people I know would jump at the chance to go LOOK! WE KNEW IT! You’re crazy. You have to get help and that proves it. It’s all you. So, this is the only place I can admit that without having to deal with all that.

Why don’t I talk to anyone? It’s rather simple. No one wants to hear about anything that I have to say. What would I say? Oh, the callers were just brutal today. I have nothing to talk to anyone about. Oh yes, talk about my boring day. Get up, feed cats, sit in silence until I leave for work, go to work, come home, much of the same. I used to enjoy online creative writing. It was a good hobby to have, but the Lion and his friends not to mention some of the fake friends ruined it for me. Even going so far as harassing other friends of mine to drive me off. So, I’ve had no choice but to give it up. I miss it, but honestly it’s not worth my few remaining friends being harassed over a hobby because of me. I’m proud of my one friend. I helped her set up a chat room and a forum. She’s doing well and is enjoying it. It’s her first time doing it and she’s found the love I lost for it. It’s not that I lost the love for it, it’s more that I just got tired of the same things over and over.

I’ve been getting sick and I doubt that’s helped my mood any. This month just does me in almost as much as the month that my father died does. Of course, I’ll hear the same phrases from everyone. Happiness from within, choose to be happy, so on and so forth. The truth is, that’s not true. If I have a shitty day at work, it’s not like the cats care about it. If I’m tired or sick, it’s not like anyone really gives a damn. The Lion would snark at me to get rest instead of being on the computer. What’s the point though? I would argue with him that it’s the same thing. I’m resting. Resting isn’t just lying in the bed. Resting is being still, letting the body do its thing. Be that sitting and typing up a part to a story. Enjoying a mindless game. Simply watching something on streaming. This is all resting whether it’s believed or not. Not everyone can shut off their brain, stare and drool at the television screen. Something he never fully understood. Resting isn’t just sleeping. Resting is being in one place and letting the body do what it needs to. If sleep is needed, then move to the bed and do it. Simple really. In my case, resting isn’t an option. I don’t have anyone to help with the burden of bills. I don’t have someone that will help clean the cat boxes or do the dishes. This means no rest. It means going to work, cleaning the house, and doing what has to be done just like I’ve always done. The Lion used to say that I was broken and had bad wiring because I kept functioning while being sick or injured. The Ogre used to say that it was just an excuse to be lazy. Lazy wasn’t allowed for me. For him it was perfectly fine though. The Lion never cleaned house, that always fell to me. He knew that was the one thing I couldn’t stand, an unclean house. For him though it was, never mind it. Got no one to impress. The only time he cleaned was if there was an inspection of some sorts.

So, no rest for the wicked as once more I tend to what needs to be done.

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