All that is
I'm in love with ud. everything ..
I'm in love with ud. everything about him. from his murmurs, to the way he laughs at his little private jokes - they make me smile a smile whenever i think of them, to his resolve, his fearlessness, how his voice has a reassurance to it. the knots in his beard, his tick - the way he smacks the side of his right brow twice and scrunches up his nose for no reason, his stare, how he moves his head sharply from place to place, like he's following action, how he looks at people and things from beneath his brow and face turned downward, his general alertness to his surroundings, his lean but strong athletic build, the way he dresses, the size of his lips, the shape of his nose, the way his hands look, the sound of his laugh, the mole on the side of his neck. I love his dominant nature. The way he assumes control of situations. The way he protects, i could go on literally. The way he makes these little murmuring sounds when he fucks. the gravelliness of his voice.
He texted me on wednesday to tell me he was in heathrow. this was after he and i spoke briefly the night before. he said he'd call me back and he didn't. but even on our 20 second conversation he never mentioned that he'd be in London the next day. when i got his message, I was surprised, and exvited. i felt sure that we'd have our time in london together even though i was is bris - of course i'd make my way to london to go and see him. Needless to say i'd been fantasising over him for weeks since i got back from lagos so this felt so ideal. he's been the only one on my mind. but then there was the uncertainty and the murkiness - on his part - i wasn't sure how he felt about me. funnily enough before he messaged me to say that he was in heathrow, i sent him a deliberately cryptic message the night before that said "you should delete me number" he responded firstly with 'why?' and then again a few mins later half seriously with 'are u sure this was meant for me or for one of your london stalkers?' i didn't respond. we spoke again the next evening after coming back from mel's house. i felt emotional. i explained that i wanted to come and see him, but didn't have a place to stay. he said if I came i could stay with him. i said that would be nice. then i said that if i was going to come to london i wanted to feel taht my effort was worth it and the gesture was going to be reciprocated in some way. he asked me what did i mean, and i asked him where i stood, or where 'we' stood? and his response crushed me slightly - not because i didn't know it already but because it hurt to hear him say it. he asked me 'by this i take it you mean to say what are we doing, or where do we go from here?' and I said 'yes in a round about way' and then he said 'he would have thought that because of his circumstances and his background, it was obvious already, what we were doing, 'no labels'... and his voice trailed off. then there was silence and then i asked what he meant by his background, half expecting him to talk about his ex, but he said - he meant the fact that he travels a lot, and he works on a ship and that he's done long distance three times, it doesn't work for him and he has told himself that he cant do it again. then i think i said somethig along the lines of 'ok then' indicating that i had heard and accepted what he was saying. then i said somethign lke 'even though i know what youre saying, it just not pleaasant to hear that someone doesnt feel the smae way about u as u feel abou them,' then he tried to cut me offf and said 'no no no, i feel the same way'' but in a panic, i made a feeble attempt to backtrack a little - not caring that we both knew he'd accurately expressed what i really meant - i said no no i didn't mean a realtionship, i jst wanna know how u feel about me because bottom line is that you know i like you. (then he said 'and i like you too') but you don't call whn u say u will, even thouugh i ask u to, u don't seem to want to sepak to me, and going from that my assumption is that you don't feel how i feel about u - and then he said 'yes i understand but your assumption is wrong' he said that because he's come to lagos with the mindset of not being available for a relationship, thats how he was operating, then he referred tp the times we spent to gether, he said those 3-4 days we spent with eachother 'didn't i feel a connection'? I responded that i had. then he said it was getting to a poitn where if he spent more time it would have been too much and he didn't want to start falling into anything, so he had to withdraw. he said that because of his line of work long distance relationships are tougher for him and he feels it more because he is in isolation whereas the other person is free. so he's being pragmatic. he said that he's been in three before and they didn't work and why would he go and do the same thing again hoping for a differnt outcome? then he said you've never been in a long distance relatiosnp thats why i sound they way i do, then he asked me ' have u ever been in a long distance relationship?' and i said 'no' and he said 'you see?' you woudnt understand.' i wanted to beleive him, and i think i did and still do. but even so, i didn't get that sense of regret from him that i was after. the sense of loss that even someone who was inclined to be pragmatic, but still had real feelings for you, would display and express. because i can't imagine being in a position where i could fall for someone and then i stop myself because of distance. i just can't. unless my mind wasn't there in the first place. which i suppose his wasn't as he'd said - he came with a mind that he wasn't available. and then i askedhim to tell me how he felt about me - and he began making a joke saying that i just wantedd to hear sweet nothings' and i laughed, despite myself and my state of mind, and i said ' yes i did and what was so wrong with that' for fuck sake it was the least the nigga could do. then he said 'i was someone he connected wiht...and fw other heartwarming thigns that now escape me but were substansial enough to soothe my aching heart at the time. and so i said i
now i fear that i have another dvyrome on my hands. that took me a good two years to get over fully