Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2018-02-03 02:17:58 (UTC)

weak & pathetic?

So it's been awhile. the internet on my laptop is broken an I don't like writing on my dad's computer.

I feel shitty about myself right now but what else is new?
Thing is, I feel like I have a reason to.
My cousin is leaving to go back home and i've done nothing but ignore him for the past day and a half. mostly. I just feel like I should talk with him because we've had a nice connection this hole time and I feel like I should communicate that.
but at the same time I'm busy feeling like I'm a weak and pathetic human being and I'm incapable of authentic, meaningful connection.

except i don't entirely feel that way, I know when i'm presented with these defining scenarios I stake so much of my personal worth in my performance and just eventually let myself freak out in fear of being defined.

which gives me real whiplash to when I lived with a roommate.

It's a weird mental trap where I know there's something I know I should communicate emotionally, but I don't feel good enough about myself to do it, and I start to get suspicious bout my motives to do the thing and I undermine the whole process.

It's silly. because honestly i know better. i just don't always know how to know better.

okay fine i'm the idiot who gets stuck in their head.
(heh but you already knew that you bugger you)

I got past this tricky situation though. I know there's a way of having a close relationsip with your worldview, which you can use to prevent te whole undermining process (sorry the keyboard is sticky)

and my worldview right now? well, cynica,l, clouded by my sense of relationship abilities.

honestly, though, if i hadn't taken the time to second guess myself i would've had a talk already. becase I do feel sort of at peace with my self image. and i kind of have a way of enjoying who i am as a human being (it's just there are these things that i keep let getting in my way)

and i have this other theory that i shouldn't ever do something for someone else until i can first know for myself that i am doing so in good intentions with myself.

this sounded way more simpler in my head.

latley it's been hard to trust that i have any goood intentions with mywelf doing anyting. but i think this is one. this is a god inention.

it's pure. maybe i am also pure




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