Complaining about shit
New Year, same shit?
It's the same every year. I do the same thing. I try to do something different and fail. I started watching my brothers kids but I did it cause I felt guilty about him not having his freedom, I felt guilty becaue I wasn't doing anything with my life and he was trying but only after a month, I'm already tired 😌. My grandma is slowly dying, and I want to spend more time with her but I also don't want to. I need to do something with my life, mostly because I'm tired but also want to show my grandma something good before she's gone.
I think about this, the fact that she could die any day. I feel numb and sad when I think about that. I haven't sent enough time with her and I know it's becaue I get so frustrated at the way that she can be. Spoiled and so judgemental. So annoying...dont get me wrong, my grandma is one of the sweetest people in the world and so many people walk all over her. I don't want to be like that, and it needs to start with my family.
My mom's going to get the gastric bypass surgery and she was watching my other brothers kids and would call on me to watch the youngest while she goes to her appointments. And now that same brother wants to go out of town to get his truck driving licence at the same time my mom would be recovering. I told him that I chat take care of his kids, becaue I have the other kids to take care of, I already made promises to take care of them and I can't just drop that for you. Was what I said and he goes well my kids are more important than our brothers kids.......I tell him all the time to think before he speaks. To fucking think, but nah. I don't know what part if his brain made him think I was going to say "yeah, you're right" I could've slapped the shit out him. I never mean to play favorites when I comes to my nieces and nephews but I'd chose to watch the kids I'm watching now over anybody else's any day. I love these two boys. I treat them like they are my own. I just have a hard time dealing with their mother, she can get on my nerves sometimes. But enough about that......
I tried talking to my old friend, one of the ones I use to be in love with. Ha!! It's funny, I tried hard, maybe not hard enough. I don't know but fuck it. And I sent that married guy a happy New Year message and he didn't reply to it. It's fine tg at he didn't, I don't need or want him to. What I do need to finally get over it. I'm getting there, I'm almost to a point where I don't hurt when I think about what I did. It still sends a chill of disgust over my body though, but it'll get better. I just need to talk about it until it no longer effects me.
My thoughts are all over the place this morning. I don't want to deal with my annoying and manipulative family and I don't want to deal with the feelings or rejection and hurt from trying to talk to my ex friends. Yeah ex friends, let's face it, I left them. I was so beaten and sad and broken. I wanted to know that I mattered, to be chased, but I was shown just how much I was worth. I walked away from them and only time will tell me if I did the right thing. No....I did do the right thing. That married guy knows what he did but won't take responsibility for his actions and that's fine. I know why I did and leaving before I lost my mind is how I dealt with with it. I tried to talk and there wasn't any ears to listen between the two of them. My problem is that I keep thinking about the stuff that could have been and not what it was. Me senselessly and shamelessly holding on to them like some scared child. I was the only one still hiding on, the only one who saw worth in that worthless situation. I'm glad things happened the way they did, I'm glad I don't have to hold on anymore.
You know what's funny, they're coming to hang out with my uncle next month and although me and my other friend are back on speaking terms, he hasn't said a damn thing about it to me. I'm going to let this play out and see how it goes. I hope that by next month I've set my plan in motion and I'll care even less.