✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2018-01-23 05:36:54 (UTC)

He Doesnt Get It


Dear Reader,

(He Doesn't Get It*) (I hate the / in titles because of the apostrophe)

I have always struggled with staying away from people who I have decided on pushing out..


I'm a very guarded person, and I say that all time. I don't let just anyone in, and I'd say that even though I'm very guarded... it's incredibly difficult for me to shut doors on people who have already made it inside.


A lot of the time, I push people out always with the intentions of letting them back in, a lot of the times because I just can't completely push people out. I do it because I want them to I guess, try to be let back in, that way I know it's where they want to be...

J always did that.. he always tried to come back.. there was one time where he didn't.. I still remember that it was over 50 days.. That was towards the end of our relationship.


If you follow my diary at all.. you know that I have been writing a lot about my friend, Nick.. who has been my best friend since 2014. I actually met him here...


I really didn't even want to talk about this.. because I've reverted back to swallowing everything, and bottling it inside.. pushing it down, and trying to ignore it.


Last Sunday, we got into an argument, and it all started because I tried telling him about a memory of my dad, something I don't do often.. and how I wish I had parents to be there for me, and how hard and lonely being parentless really can be..
And of course, he doesn't get it.

I mean, he has issues with his dad, that's his business, so I'm not going to go into detail about it, but that's worth mentioning. He does know what it's like to at least experience an absentee parent who has issues somewhat.

But for as long as I have known him, his dad has been involved. They've all reconnected, and are on good terms.

My mom is a complete absentee parent, and my father passed away when I was 8 years old.

I've lived with my grandparents ever since I was 4-5 years old, and my dad lived here with us until he passed away..

My feelings about that have always been, strange, I guess.

I dealt with terrible things anyway that would immediately work as a child, and that was to just bottle it up, disconnect, and shut off.

I was just a kid, I didn't understand why my mom was asleep all the time, and I didn't understand why I woke up in my grandparents house who I vaguely remembered, and I didn't understand why they were so angry at us for everything.

I didn't know how to deal with death. I used to think that when you died, God would fix what was broken, and put you back.

Growing up here, finding no comfort and no connection or understanding in either grandparent who raised me basically is why I am the way that I am today in regard to my trust issues, in regard to clinging to people and not being able to let go even when I should...


I didn't expect him to understand... I don't expect him to understand anything about me.
But what I didn't appreciate was his condescending attitude towards it. It's not that he didn't understand, it's that he belittled it. He made me feel like I was being over dramatic over something that wasn't such a big deal.

After I called him out on it, saying how he basically made me feel stupid for even talking about it, he completely flipped on me.
He started giving me unsolicited advice on all of my problems... He made me feel extremely like, uncomfortable, and on the spot..

He was talking as if he knew exactly what he was talking about, and everything he was saying was right..

He said my issues may not even be real, that I may just think I have a problem, and that's why it feels like it is.

He basically said that my problems are my fault, and that he was sick of hearing the same issues over, and over with no change...

And that's where I just, disconnected.

Our friendship has been extremely rocky for awhile now. We went through a few phases where we were really close, and could talk about anything, to just extremely distant, and not being able to feel like I could talk to him about anything.

I've pretty much been the least important thing in his life for months now. The last thing in the back of his mind.

My biggest resentment towards him, is making me regret opening up to him because of his responses, and the things he says about it that hurt.

But of course if I say anything, he always says that it's "just how I interpreted it, so that's not his problem."

So once he said that he was sick of hearing the same thing over and over, I was done right there. Ohhh, okay. I get it now. You're not sick of hearing the same thing, you're just sick of hearing it at all.

Do you seriously expect not having parents is something that will never not effect me in my life? That's what I can't understand about this. The only way he'd understand that is if he lost his parents. Most people are fortunate enough to walk this road of life having at least one parent behind them every step of the way.


He's made a lot of progress with his issues, and that's something that I notice a lot when people straighten out their own issues, they think they have all the answers... they think they know how to fix your situation, and in the end it isn't about being a good friend, it's just about being right.

And that's something I can't stand, is that once I open up to someone, they think they know everything there is to know about me.. And this is why I am very guarded. This is why I don't open up often. I HATE being treated like that.

What bothers me is that he doesn't see a thing wrong with everything he said, and what he did.

His advice isn't bad advice, I'm not going to lie. It's not bad advice..

But it was basically a lecture, and that just doesn't work for me.

I work through my problems best through conversation... talking to someone, whether they're talking with me about their own similar issues, or listening..
Like with J..
He helped me turn my entire life around, by just being there.. encouraging me to talk.. wanting to know about my feelings, and my problems.. and yeah, he gave me advice, but he never made me feel like I was crazy if I didn't take it... even after we broke up, he'd read my posts here, and he'd come to me y'all.. He'd be the one to come to me, and ask me if I needed to talk about anything.


Lecturing me isn't going to do shit. That doesn't make me want to do anything, but get the fuck away from you.

And what drove the nail into the board was that I was trying my hardest to get him to understand that he wasn't listening to me, he wasn't helping me, and was making me never want to open up to him again.

I didn't ask him for advice. I didn't ask him to lecture me. I asked him to stop.
He wouldn't stop. He wouldn't listen to me.

I was laying it out for him, but he continued his tirade, which only made me angrier, and more and more hurt and betrayed.

Like, who the fuck do you think you are?
You're supposed to be my best friend.

He told me again he was tired of hearing about my problems, and so I told him that was fine, and not to worry about it because he wouldn't be hearing about them again.

Then he said "Well if you ever make a change, I'll be there to listen."

Like? Really? I was blown away when I read that.. you're saying you'll be there for me AFTER I sort it out on my own because you don't want to hear about it?

He told me after that to do something about my life, change something, so I said fine. I'll make a change.

I was already on his page, and I was waiting for him to push me over, because I just.. it's so hard for me to push people out all the way because it's not so easily reversible if I change my mind..

And this wasn't what I wanted. This was the last thing I wanted. I had no idea that I would be unfriending my best friend over this... but looking back, it feels like it's just been leading up to this for awhile now...

I sent the message, and I unfriended him...
I cried so hard that night, that I just had to shut down. I've pushed it all down, and have just been ignoring it the best that I can.


It's been nearly a week, and really it is hard...
Because we talked every single day, not even joking. Every single day.
Any little thought I had about whatever, I would send to him..
I see all kinds of best friend bullshit online a lot more frequently now..

I haven't heard anything from him until today, I checked my old email account.

I really wasn't expecting to get a message at all from him tbh. He's never messaged me first after we argue. I'm always the first to initiate, and the first to apologize always.

Which is what makes it so much harder to stay away, because if you don't say anything and make it seem like you're not going to even try to get me back, then it doesn't make me want to be around when I don't feel wanted if that makes sense...

But what makes me iffy about this is how.. weird his email is.

It's like nothing happened at all. This is it basically:

"I have no clue if you still use this email or not, or if you will even answer. I didn't even know this was your email, it took me a good long while to figure out that it was you and not my first ex lol. But I digress.

Do you have someone to talk to?"

He knows the answer to that question is no. I don't know why he even asked.

I'm glad he emailed me but at the same time, I'm so like, urgh you really don't get it. You really don't get it at all.

This was the first time I actually pushed someone out without the intentions of letting them back in... because I honestly didn't think he was even going to want back.


It's not going to be different. He's still going to think those things, and he's not going to listen to me, and he's always going to be on a different page, in a different book from me.

I know if I message him, this will just happen again.

I don't know what to do.. I don't want to talk about this anymore right now..

I'm so tired.. it's late. I tried to make a grilled cheese sandwich today for the first time, and I ended up burning it, and the pan, so yay.

My stomach has been really really tore up for nearly a week too, so that's fun.

Sincerely,
Me




Ad: