šŸƒAmanda22Janeā¤

Ghost Writer
2018-01-24 00:25:45 (UTC)

New Entry For Today Wednesday & A Recent Entry Deleted.

I cannot believe the eyebrow raising guff that I write here under the influence of alcohol! I re-read quickly the short entry and promptly deleted it. It was an open reference to my sexuality (or lack thereof via expression of said sexuality) and NOT THE KIND OF THING that I would do sober. Bloody hell, that was a shameless display of....of....well...you know what....pure stupidity. Crikey...may it not happen again. Ever.


Am reading the omnibus version of Dr. Robin Cook's novels : Chromosome 6 and..aah...I can't remember...oh yes, Toxin. He's a wonderful writer and I am nearly halfway through reading Chromosome 6. Toxin was very interesting as are all his novels I can safely say after only reading one and a half so far in all my life. They are also educational as well as entertaining. My favourite part of Toxin's narrative was the scene with the heart surgeon character's daughter contracting and dying from E coli. The way he spun and eked that entire process out was scary. My favourite scene was where the surgeon character did open heart massage on his nearly dead daughter and made an educational discovery of his own : the frightening speed of necrosis...very believable, because a thirty year old man was in the news last year with E.coli and in a matter of days, he had to have an amputation or he would have died. E. coli is a devil's quagmire of rapid destruction. Freaky. I hope that I never contract it. Ever. Anyway, I visited Robin Cook's official website and it's nice to put a face to the work. He may not be practicing medicine, but he is still educating us lay people in very high-octane and dramatic ways. He's now one of my favourite writers. Wonderful.


Had my morning appointment with Adult Mental Health where I am and despite prior misgivings that I was experiencing, I prepared some notes/thoughts/plans about how I am going to tackle any future slips and mini-relapses...I PRAY THAT THERE WILL NOT BE MANY MORE!! The session went in quite the opposite direction than I thought, though I do think in some parts of the session D. could see that I was weakly leaping to my own defense...which is not anything like self-preservation. It went well, that's the main part : a win-win situation.
Weeks ago, my MHA&D clinician reminded me to BE KIND TO MYSELF. If S. could but see how I treat myself in writing, I do not think S. would be pleased. I do need to work more on self-berration....a.....lot....more.


Five Principles Of Mental Health Recovery:
1. HOPE
2. Support
3. Education
4. Self-Advocacy
5. (I can never remember the fifth one sorry). Does the friggin' parenthesis go inside or outside of the full stop?? Can never remember that either.....got it....PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.


Today I slept for five and a half hours on 50mgs Quetiapine. Not bad. I have been into town twice already and did some food shopping too.
Now I'm busy at the library doing this. I'm going to drink today. I don't really feel like it but I'm going to. Today I miss the drug in my system. I want to get high....but.....how high?? I'm going to do the remainder of my grocery shopping, then put some music on and....well...drink. Straight out of the bottle. I hate using a glass. Even TNZP have told me to get a bloody glass to drink out of...this was YEARS ago...I just shake my head slowly.


Have recently visited Intervoice International Hearing Voices Group to post there. I love visiting this website.

Anyway, I have made a decision to be more committed with self-care this year.
There is a Maori proverb, which goes like this (in English only, I can't remember the Maori reo) ;

"Put your own courtyard in order first, THEN, you may help another to put their courtyard in order too." Or so I believe that this is the general gist of it.
Or, in AA "sweep your own side of the street, then help another to sweep theirs."


Anyway, that is enough of that. My mood is a stable 8/10 since rising. My fretful inner-world of apprehension early this morning did not put too much of a dent in that 8/10.
What I want from life this year is to stay sober long enough so I can flourish. It's never too late to flourish. I believe in mended dreams once again. I believe it is possible to break loose from the confines of fearful attitudes, behaviours and cognitive trip-ups and flourish. I am ever grateful for my long hard years in therapy and opposite counselors and judges, probation officers, social workers, psychiatrists, doctors, etc.etc and I have had a very unique and often special journey that I know just may benefit myself always, and others too maybe...it's a matter of time and more importantly faith.


I will get on to finishing my unfinished entries and the microstory here, then that will be it with creative writing. I'm not going to produce anything further creatively online. I've shared enough. Obviously, - with myself getting a little work close on the heels of Christmas - this put paid to writing anything further (plus my drinking episodes didn't help either), here. I don't think I was meant to write microstories during the month of December 2016.

Shit, I write a lot about myself. Narcissistic has only negative connotations and downright dangerous ones as well, outside of Greek Mythology.

Well. I'm off. I've got money to spend, and newspapers/books to read, and plans to mull over in my head so I can distract myself from the terrifyingly anxious moments of fearful fretting that I experience around my DYSFUNCTIONAL family. I do love them though, and I think that is the main thing I've kept returning to, so I do get things right now and then.
I need to remember the mote in my own eye before I start on any further visualizations of my family members' motes. If I don't beat myself up, then I will have even less desire to beat up other people.

Love, light and great blessings to all.

P.S. Diary? I don't think I am ready to serve in a formal calling at church yet....let's wait and see. Roll on Sunday.




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