2018 is off to a brilliant start, eh?
I'm stuck. I'm wedged into a space somewhere in between extreme chronic boredom coupled with feeling like useless sack of shit AND being unwilling or unviably able to be who I want and do what I want. I'm single and ready to mingle.. but completely frozen in a cocktail of the absolute worst anxiety I've ever experienced and a body that keeps... on... degrading.
I want to be out there. I want to go on dates.. with women. I want to dance and drink. I want to have a level of fun I've always felt deprived of because #limitations. I want to fuck. I want to feel like a fucking human and be allowed to enjoy things that humans get to enjoy. I want my mind to not sabotage it all for me. I want my mind to give me a fucking chance. I want my mind to lay off. I need a break from the despair. Everything comes back to despair. Every fucking thing I try to enjoy.
No marriage was ever going to work out for me. I can't manage my own shit, it's been this way for years.
I've been re-watching You're The Worst. Gretchen had a quote about depression that I can't remember.... #benfoldseverywhere