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2018-01-17 04:30:28 (UTC)

Private: i will grind you into the ground! not in a good way

"Strong Hand" by CHVRCHES [this video:
is lowkey mesmerizing??????? like wow... they look ridiculous and perfect and S T R O N G]

How it will grind you
Into the ground
If you should try to
Hold me

January 17, 2018 Wednesday 3:35 AM

I was just watching this amateur porn and it was so... nice. It wasn't particularly hot, but porn in general isn't very hot so. Yeah. Besides, it was nice to see real people enjoying themselves. This one woman had stretch marks and they were all pale over her dark skin. And her stomach, a lot of their stomachs, were pudgy and they jiggled with every thrust. And they looked like human beings, pimples and all. Sex looks less gross when it is shown this way. I mean, it is still disgusting. But it definitely seems more in line with human nature now. It's not that I've never watched amateur porn before—it's just I've never watched it with more curiosity than need.

I am trying to reform myself in some ways. Especially in my attitudes towards sex. I am trying to see it as healthy, normal, and Not As Big a Deal as I make it out to be in my own head. No need to feel intensely ashamed, self.

Oh. I had a nightmare about molestation last night. I couldn't sleep because I kept thinking too much about boys and then about being touched. So I ended up googling various versions of the question, "Does it count as molestation if the perpetrator did not have sexual intent?" As in, I think I was touched because of Stephanie's weird delusions. I don't think she got off on it. I hope.

If she did get off on it, Caroline failed to tell me that. I don't know. I am mad at Caroline in some ways. Like, I expected her to be honest with me, of all people... But it took over an hour for her to even tell me WHY she cut Stephanie out of our life. I mean, I knew Stephanie touched me and I knew that Caroline knew... but it wasn't until after we left therapy that Caroline told me Stephanie denied it when confronted, and that Stephanie had been doing similarly fucked up shit since she was a child.

When I asked Caroline if Stephanie was a pedophile, she didn't give me a straight answer. She just said Stephanie might have been acting out something that was done to her, and that Caroline worried because Stephanie spends a lot of time with kids even now, and she doesn't want Stephanie to hurt them.

So this was not really an answer and I have no closure. I might have to ask Caroline before I leave if Stephanie touched me sexually. I don't expect Caroline to know, 100%, but maybe she has more an idea than I do since apparently she knows Stephanie much better.

God, I am so low-key pissed at her.

So yes. I googled the whole "is it molestation if..." thing, but I didn't get any actual answers. Except one thing that said it's molestation if you touch a kid's genitals and penetrate them, etc. But I think sexual intent was assumed in this case. So I am. Confused. And really looking forward to therapy next Monday. Jesus. I need it.

So, yeah. My nightmare was about molestation. And at some point Moby, who morphed into two Cole Sprouses (no, not the Sprouse twins—just two Cole Sprouses next to each other. One person being twins, a la Parent Trap). And those two Cole Sprouses were good and evil (kind of how Cartman separated himself into good/evil in the episode with Caesar Milan?? No??? Okay...). Yeah.

Moby/Cole Sprouse was talking about children's inherent sexuality as he encouraged a little girl to parade around in her underwear and it was super gross. Then Moby turned back into Moby and was like, "It's 'cause of my dad. He's the same as me... He taught me to be this way," and I was like, "Your dad's a pedophile too?" and he was like, "Well, no, not literally. But like. It's a metaphor for neglect." And I was confused, because, wait—is that a metaphor? Hyperbole? A cryptic lie????
I woke up after that so I guess we'll never know.

I woke up really late today and had a mini-fight with my mom. I had said something about how I can't sleep, and she interrupted me and blamed my phone, which annoyed me because more often than not I lie in the dark for a long time and finally pick up the electronics so I don't have to sit there bored and restless and stuck with my own sludgy black thoughts. She yelled over me and I yelled over her, etc., until finally I was like, "Mom, I just wanted to talk to you about it. I just want you to listen." And she softened after that and we talked about not being able to sleep.

Mom can't sleep either. But she says it's not like me, where I can't sleep because I think too much. Her head is empty, she says, and that's why she can't sleep. She used to have things to look forward too and I guess now there's no particular motivation for her to fall asleep because she isn't that motivated to wake up either. I don't know, it was really sad and perplexing to hear from my own momma. She also talked about how sometimes she worried that Caroline and I are messed up because of how we were raised, but I tried to reassure her.

I was also lowkey angry though. It's not enough that I did well in high school or that I'm inherently ambitious/independent or that I'm at an Ivy League. My mom is still somehow a failed parent? I am a mangled product? But I didn't say this. Mom said she was mostly talking about Caroline anyway. And this annoyed me too, because Caroline isn't a mangled product either!!!! She might have had to pull out of Bard, but she was doing really well (A's and B's) while she was there despite iffy treatment for her mental illnesses!!!!!! Sure, Caroline might loathe UAlbany, but she's doing great there anyway and she's graduating soon enough anyway. Most of her peers graduated a couple years ago, but most of those peers didn't have Caroline's problems so who cares about them. Caroline is going to pursue her career as an artist and she is going to do fucking well. Even better once she's out of this soul-sucking house!!!!

Still, despite all this, I understand where my mom is coming from. God, she needs therapy. It despairs me to hear her talk like this, with such a fucked up view of her family. I told mom, to make her feel better, that if anyone should've been parenting better it would've been my dad (sorry, dad). He's all... absentee. Even now, I am mad at him.

But then, I'm angry at everyone kind of. I am just full of fury, haha. I laugh, but seriously, I am super mad!! Eh, it's fine.

Okay. So it's 4 AM. I should try to sleep now, even though I really don't want to. I hate sleeping. Okay. Well. See you later, diary. God, was that weird? That was kind of weird. Signing off.... Wait... Ugh. How do I end these things. Do I just. Do I maybe just click save entry. I'm just gonna... do that.

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