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"Rock Bottom Riser" by Bill Callahan
I love my mother
I love my father
I love my sisters too
I bought this guitar
To pledge my love
To pledge my love to you
I am a rock
And I owe it all to you
I saw a gold ring
At the bottom of the river
At my foolish heart
Oh my foolish heart
Had to go diving
Into the murk
And from the bottom of the river
I looked up for the sun
Which had shattered in the water
And the pieces were raining down
Like gold rings
That passed through my hands
As I thrashed and grabbed
I started rising rising
I left my mother
I left my father
Left my sisters too
Left them standing on the banks
And they pulled me out
Of this mighty mighty river
I am a rock
And I owe it all to you
January 15, 2018 Monday 5:33 PM
I am feeling a little better about the whole thing. I'm still inexplicably angry with Liv, but mostly, yeah, I'm okay. I hung out with Isaac yesterday, which was kind of boring and kind of fun, as always. I also saw Jay from my high school and Laney, 'cause they gave me a ride home. Moby texted me late last night asking if we could go to dinner when I got back to school and I said yes, although I am not sure how I'll feel in a few days. On one hand, I think I am okay—but on the other, I kind of wanted to discuss this whole eventful vacation with Lancelot before I hung out with anyone. Especially anyone with potential romantic feelings towards me. Usually Moby and I cuddle for awhile, but I don't know if I will want to touch anyone. Last time I was in his bed, I silently freaked out and almost cried while he was sleeping. I mean, I won't be spending the night this time probably, but I don't even know if I can stand a few hours of that body heat with. Of that weird, quiet closeness. Not with everything on my mind.
I don't know. Now that a few days have passed, I feel okay about the events of last week. But I don't really want to confront them because they still make my stomach hurt.
I've been doing a 1000 piece puzzle and reading Beloved by Toni Morrison and those two activities have helped a lot in calming me down (also, watching Bob's Burgers has been good). But, like, I just feel like representations of molestation are everywhere???!?!?!?!?!?!?! Like I was watching a video and it mentioned Perks of Being a Wallflower, and I remembered that the main character was molested as a kid. Everywhere I go, there is something to remind me, and even when there isn't it pops up in my head.
And, like, it always makes me feel guilty. Because I wasn't really molested. I don't think. If I'm honest, I really don't remember that much from what happened. I remember the "before" and "after" most clearly. The during? I know there was a pencil in me (I don't remember how it got in there or when it came out). I know she told me to push. That might've been the extent of it, but then I don't know why her fingers would smell then (I know they smelled because she made me smell them). She must have had to touch me a bit to get the pencil in and out, maybe that's why.
No, I don't think I was molested. It would be really convenient, to be able to blame my sexual issues on a singular event, but I don't think that's the case. Sigh.
Okay. I don't feel like writing anymore. I think I'll listen to my music and do some more of my puzzle.
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