2018-01-13 02:40:49 (UTC)

Private: eabfioilfgw

"Bad Days" by The Flaming Lips

You're sort of stuck where you are
But in your dreams you can buy expensive cars
Or live on Mars and have it your way

And you hate your boss at your job
But in your dreams you can blow his head off
In your dreams, show no mercy

And all your bad days will end
And all your bad days will end
You have to sleep late when you can
And all your bad days will end

January 13, 2018 Saturday 1:41 AM

Mm. Mmm. It is. It is pretty late. I have a headache and I can't sleep. I woke up very late today. Well, at like eleven. But then I went back to sleep and had a nightmare and woke up again at 4 PM. Pretty much within fifteen minutes, Lily and Laney picked me up to go thrift shopping. I got back from that at around 6:45, spent the next fifteen minutes frantically washing my hair, and then my friend Chris from New Visions came by and we went to the 7:40 showing of Insidious: the Last Key (which was bad, but I liked making fun of it). I must've come back home sometime past 10 PM, consumed carrot cake... yeah. It was. It was something. I also texted Isaac and asked if we could hang out tomorrow so that I don't have to be in the house during the dinner party my parents decided to host. I can't stand anymore questions about college, ugh.

Yesterday, I was at Lily's house with Lily, Laney, and her college friend and they were all telling wild school stories, some of which had to do with sex, and during those stories I was quiet because I had nothing to add to the subject. Laney patted me condescendingly on the leg and I knew it was because I was now the "innocent" one among them. Which annoyed me, severely. Mostly because I hate that she's right??? I wish I could be like them and talk about sex casually, have sex casually, etc. But I just take it really seriously. Listen, I can't even kiss boys. Or, I have kissed boys. But it kills me a little on the inside. Ugh. I remember kissing Isaac a couple times. He kept pursing his lips and coming in too fast, so I'd wince and pill back. It wasn't great and I didn't feel equipped to deal with the awkwardness of the whole ordeal. Didn't want to have to say, "relax??" or other shit like that. I only kissed him to get it over with, really. It wasn't very fun or anything. Honestly, the most fun thing about romantic stuff with boys is cuddling (in my limited perspective) but even that gets old fast.

I still don't feel like I've fully processed the events of the past week. And tbh, I don't really want to think about it. I've barely spoken to my parents. Not really on purpose, but just because I've been latching onto any excuse to get out of the house. I talk to Caroline and it's normal but I don't know. I don't really trust her. I mean, I just wonder, what if in the future I leave something out and she decides to go through it? And i know she promised to never read my diary again, but what if she becomes scared that I'm going to kill myself and reads it anyway? I am not going to kill myself. But according to Caroline, my attempt 5 years ago (almost 6 now) was kind of "out of nowhere." So she doesn't know what to look for.

Oh, also. Liv texted me today saying: "I'm really selfish." And I wanted to be like, "yeah," and then I wondered where that anger came from??? I had a dream this afternoon where I shouted at Liv to leave me alone. And I told her to fucking let me know when she was coming over (last time she came over without telling me and for some reason I was annoyed by that, not sure why).

Things with Liv have been weird. I have been irritated by her and I don't want to cuddle. I always think about how she says I know her so well, but she can't figure me out. And yeah. I already know that. I understand Liv in some ways, but she doesn't seem to get me at all sometimes??? Like, when I told her about the whole Stephanie/Pencil Incident/Breach-of-trust incident of this week, she asked if she should call so I could talk about it. And like??? I don't like talking about things??? I am fine. I just needed to rant a little via text. I don't need a phone call, especially when nothing she says will make me feel any better. She would probably like a phone call if she were in my place though.

Generally, I just don't like talking about things that upset me. I don't know how to talk about them without sounding stupid and ungrateful. I'm already cringing at the above paragraph, haha...

I'm worried I'm going to tell Isaac about all this stuff. He's kind of an outsider, so he won't know any of the people involved and that's kind of nice. But he also probably doesn't wanna hear about childhood trauma, haha. So. No. I should.. probably not do that. I hope he is okay with me being kind of quiet. He gets paranoid about that, but hopefully he'll just know to leave me alone.

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