Amanda22Jane

Ghost-writer.
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2018-01-12 22:26:07 (UTC)

A Cooler Summer's Day.

I am in crisis respite, the second time in as many weeks. Last week, I was in respite but they discharged me too early. Now I'm in respite again for the weekend. It's really a difficult job advocating to clinical mental health's satisfaction. Am sick and fucken tired of being questioned about my voice-hearing. One really has to stand up to these young and upcoming psychiatrists. I was really assertive this time round with a couple of them. Tired of being asked questions which aren't even related to why I need some assistance and a rest period out of my own residence.
I tell them why I am needing assistance, and like the clever non-creative fools that they are, they "rubberband" snap back to their own set way of processing things. Fucking makes me puke and I get short with them. This is a dogged, close-minded industry mental health. Yes. The already educated do need re-educating. Really they do.

I'm tired and stressed and angry, because I am constantly -it seems- on a daily basis, under demands by other people. I think it stems from my love of helping others, and those others in my life are REALLY taking full advantage of this, so consequently I am left with very little time to take care of my own needs and life, etc. I want 2018 to be a better year for me in ways that will benefit myself primarily, and then others as well.

My beautiful bishop of our local ward has text me recently to ask if I will see him after church meetings this Sunday to accept a calling at church. I feel so privileged to be able to serve. I think it would most definitely help me to not resort to the wine bottle and also quit blowing nicotine clouds out of my mouth. I'm nearly there...I resort to alcohol these days because I cannot cope with re-defining my boundaries and saying "no" to significant others in my daily life. This has to happen. People do not like it when I say "no". I tell them why too, and that just makes matters worse. I am working with very sick people, however, I do not want to go down with their sinking ships! It's hard to be around controlling individuals, who use me to their advantage. Actually, when I really think about this, after I've just read what's in front of me, I can see that I am not helping them at all, I am enabling them to get exactly what they want from me, whenever they want it, and THIS IS NOT OK. I have a dream or two to fulfill. I have other beautiful people who are important to me in life, that I would like to have more to do with them, whenever possible.

Been reading some past entries here, and I've noticed that ego -my ego- has embedded itself into the words that I've written. In recovery ego is not an option....at all.
(Why I write this is because in the Big Book AA, it states that as alcoholics our egos need to be "smashed" to smithereens. ... . so that humility can have a sober and rightful place in our consciences, psyches and lives.
I need to exercise caution with this always, or it will keep on getting me into trouble with the bottle and people.
Could I still possibly be addicted to people and places as well as things too?? Possibly...I AM trying....my clinician called me this Thursday just gone, and I received a timely reminder from her...BE KIND TO MYSELF...so I'm working on this as well as practicing mindful behavior.

It's good to be here in respite.
I haven't written for a while, and I have missed writing on a daily basis however, the few months leading up to Christmas 2017, were hectic, stressful and slightly diabolically DYSFUNCTIONAL.


I had a dream last night about my older adopted brother and my adopted father. (I hate writing about the male members of this adopted family.) My brother was buying his dream vehicle - a Holden V8 ute - which was parked nearby. It was second-hand and the previous buyer said that the engine had been overhauled. My brother was very happy with the vehicle and the father said it was also a good bargain. The ute was amazing, and I especially liked the colour : a gold/copper mix. actually, when I think about it, the dream was about my whole family of siblings, except my younger brother amd the mother wasn't in it either.
The dream ended up in Geneva, Switzerland. That was pretty cool. I visited a local skiing town's LDS chapel and found myself very relieved that we now knew where we could attend church on Sunday - meaning my family and I.
I usually find myself in travel dreams asking which country I am in. Usually, in the past when I have travel dreams, I end up USA - different states and have to ask someone, where I am. It's always a big relief to know exactly where in the world I am in a dream. (I suffer from a lot of dreamtime fear and anxiety.)
I had a travel dream last during October, 2017, and ended up flying over on a privately hired chopper. I also went sight-seeing on this chopper up and down The Murray River! Saw my cousin in Sydney too! Dreams are very cool. It's a release for me from some very real problematic stuff still going on for me in life.
Mindfulness, music, reading the news and the odd novel, good food and naps when I can get them are still helping me out significantly. It's up to me to turn life in a direction/s that will be most beneficial and rewarding for myself and those that I really love. I'm not asking for perfection, but peace...God willing....
Love, light and blessings. A-J.
I do like life. I am trying.