2018-01-11 13:37:45 (UTC)

Private: trust

"Our Life is Not a Movie or Maybe" by Okkervil River

January 11, 2018 Thursday 12:38 PM

So for the first time in years, I have privatized my diary. It is likely that it will become public again in the future and you'll read this and be like, "Oh." But yeah, for now I have decided to keep it private until I can talk to Lancelot in 11 days and decide how to move forward.

I don't really want to explain everything that's happened because I am still kind of depressed about it and I am very tired of being sad. So here is the abridged version.

Yesterday, I went shopping with my sister Caroline. Randomly, she was like, "We have to go, I have an appointment," and it was just out of nowhere. I asked her if she knew about the appointment before, but she never answered me. When we got to the appointment, I realized it was at Pat's office (my old therapist in high school). And then Caroline was like, "You're coming in with me."

So I came in and sat down and Caroline told me that she found this online diary and found out what Stephanie did to me as a child and she thinks it has had more of an impact on me than I like to admit. She then told me my parents also know and that they've all kept this from me for the past two months. In the meantime, they've cut Stephanie out of our lives. They talked to her parents about it, and apparently her mother believed this happened since Stephanie has always been messed up. I did not know this, but Stephanie apparently lied a lot as a kid and even got some boys expelled from the elementary school on harassment charges. She was lying about the harassment. She smeared her shit on the walls in middle school and, I don't know, was generally a liar. She went to therapy and was diagnosed with some kind of inability to emotionally connect with people, I dunno. Maybe this was a result of stuff that happened before she was adopted. Maybe she was born that way.

When confronted, Stephanie apparently lied about the incident and said that she never touched me. But Caroline, looking back, knows that Stephanie did this because Stephanie would always bring up that night and say I was sick. But when Caroline thought about it, she realized that if I had a fever like Stephanie said, then my mom wouldn't have let me sleep in Caroline's room with her friends. Stephanie was just trying to undermine my credibility in case I decided to come forward. She obviously remembers that night if she keeps bringing it up, so she hasn't just forgotten.

I still can't believe she lied. I don't know. I spent all this time thinking it was just a mistake Stephanie made, and that she didn't mean to hurt me. But if that were true, then why did she say it didn't happen? Why did she lie?!??!?!?! Why did she fucking lie and say she didn't touch me?!??!?!?!

My sister cried and was like, "I'm sorry, I don't know if you'll ever trust me again." And at that point she hadn't told me about Stephanie's history, or that Stephanie had lied, so I was still defending Stephanie and I was just pissed off that I'd been violated and lied to.

I understand why my sister did what she did. But I still feel betrayed. Pat says I am a very private person. I've never thought of myself that way, since this diary was public and that seems to be... the opposite of private, haha. But I guess in a lot of ways, I am private. I like this diary, though, and I like the fact that it is public. I've always felt kind of isolated, but the idea of someone out there, reading this, having no idea who I am, is comforting. Besides, I've thought it was pretty unlikely that someone would find my diary. You would have to consciously make an effort to look for it in order to find it. As it turns out, Caroline used my computer and happened to find the page open. I guess whenever I let her use it I trusted her to not invade my privacy. And she did not respect that. Awesome.

My dad needed "proof" so he searched for it himself and found it. He promised to never read it again. I tried googling it myself with the information I imagine he had, but I couldn't do it, so I don't know how he managed to google it so easily. I didn't use my last name in this diary, nor have I written the name of my city and lots of people's names have been changed. He is tech savvy, though. Yeah, I dunno.

He said he'd never read it again but I am kind of having trouble trusting people right now. Jesus Christ.

Yeah, so. This happened. And now I don't really know how to feel. I think Caroline might be onto something though. I think this childhood event might have affected me more than I know. I was already bringing it up in therapy, but I guess now I should talk about it more in earnest.

God. I fucking hate this house. I don't want to be here. Listen: I really do understand why they did it, why they violated my privacy, etc. But I am still angry.

Yeah, so. Until further notice, all entries posted while the diary is privatized will be labeled "Private:..." as a way for me to organize this section of my life when I inevitably look back on it in the future. I am pretty sure this will be a temporary thing. I hope. I am not about to redundantly label my entries private if no one will ever read the titles.....]

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