Aeryn Sun

Uncharted Territories
2018-02-13 19:52:00 (UTC)

Catch Flights, Not Feelings

I had this really long entry written about the guy I met while on vacation in SVG this past Christmas, but I lost it. So I'll quickly recap.

Couple years ago I had one of the worst Christmases ever when I realized that once again my mother chose a man over me in her life. I never wanted a repeat, so vowed to do something with myself every Christmas rather than try to visit family in NY. 2016 xmas I went to CA, spent xmas w/ SD's family, was a great time. 2017 I went to SVG with Mo and Jen. Also said I wasn't going to have another fling while down there, but what happened 3 days before leaving? Yea, I failed on that front.

His name is Kemmy. He was great for the first 3 wks of knowing each other. Didn't think we'd keep in touch after leaving SVG, but we did. He texted, called, and most importantly video chatted with me EVERY DAY, while guys living in the same city as me had the hardest time even responding to a text (yea I'm talking about Dreamy Eyes who I dropped). So Kemmy was sweet and attentive, but the more we got to know each other, the more I was reminded why I never wanted to day a West Indian man. He's a little different but his mentality maddens me. I find that I can't defend my thought/beliefs to him. He's very knowledgeable and I feel...not dumb...but somewhat lacking. He talks about how we should be able to lift up and motivate each other, but I don't feel uplifted. I feel weak and doubtful when talking to him. It's motivated me to learn more so I can have a solid base to defend myself, but I get tongue tied w/ him, don't know why.

Today he pushed all the forbidden dinner topics to see how I felt about them and boy our beliefs couldn't be any further apart. He asked what I believe in since I don't believe in God and I couldn't answer. When I said I believe in "do onto other as you'd have done onto you" he said how could I believe that when it comes from the Bible, something that I don't believe in. I didn't feel like elaborating after that. Idk if it's destiny or God, but I honestly believe certain things happen for a reason. I was feeling so upset and lost after that conversation, then I came across an old journal entry I made on another site. When first reading it I thought it was a sample from someone else's diary b/c the date didn't match up to when I thought I used that site. But quarter of the way through I realized it was mine, writing about the purpose of life (another topic he brought up). My entry comforted me :) I'll post it later.

I don't know why I met this guy. Today I regretted our meeting, but Mo reminded me that he was what I needed/wanted at the time. He made me feel great, he made me want to be with someone again. I even had that Carpathian feeling of needing to be near the person, to just touch them; I don't recall ever having that strong an urge w/ anyone else, except maybe SD but this was somehow more intense. And he found be attractive and actually liked talking to me, don't know why. I bet he doesn't like talking to me after today though.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Couple weeks ago I asked if we could do something, long distance but still acknowledge the day together. It's the first time I wanted to celebrate the day b/c I was happy to have him in my life. Not feeling that way right now </3 I'm not going to make contact for a few days, see if he does.




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