2018-01-08 17:13:11 (UTC)

its winter

"Weightless" by Washed Out

January 8, 2018 Monday 4:13 PM

I don't hate home, but as expected, it makes me sad. I think it must be that it is always disappointing. I only really see your friends once or twice in the whole visit... my old high school is the same sprawling pile of yellow trash it was when I left it... Sandwich is the same (that's good though)... the questions people ask are all the same: "How's college?" "Where are you going anyway?" "Oooooo BROWN??!?! nice" "What are you studying??" "How long are you here for?" etc. etc.

Alexis and I visited my old high school together, so we both experienced the pain of The Same Questions and awkward silences in between the "Wow!"s exclaimed by old teachers. Not to mention the tentative one-armed hugs. I told Alexis, I hated answering those questions, I hated telling them where I went to school.

And she expressed sympathy, saying, "Yeah, you say you go to Brown and they immediately think they know everything about you."

And I wasn't sure if that was exactly what I meant but I said yes anyway.

Later, though, I felt bad for making that confession. I lowkey don't trust Alexis to tell me the truth, so it could have been construed as an ungrateful comment, and maybe it was. I know I mentioned it to Caroline once: I hate telling people I go to Brown. But Caroline had this look on her face, which I think meant that I only hate it because I have some sort of notion of what they must be thinking when I tell them. In other words, whatever prejudice I expect from others I only expect because it is already ingrained in me. Does that make sense? And how did I get all this from my sister's half-finished sentence and sidelong glance??? The answer is OVERTHINKING.

I don't know, this whole visit has been kind of sad-making. Nothing is how I remember it, but at the same time, it is exactly the fucking same as it always was?

And I guess I should prepare for another disappointment. I'm gonna hang out with Isaac in about fifteen minutes. Honestly, I just needed to get out of the house and I figured he probably wasn't busy, haha. Hopefully I'm not too depressing when we hang out. I've been kind of an alien.


January 9, 2017 Tuesday 6:34 PM

Another day. I'm gettin' in a mood and I'm not sure how to get out of it.

Yesterday with Isaac was fine. I was surprised at how it was mostly not awkward. We only sat around watching TV, mostly, which is what I always did with Isaac anyway. Sometimes it bothers me. I mean, why do something with other people when it is easier to do alone? When you watch TV with others, it's like, "What do you want to watch?" and then, "I don't care, what about you?" and, "Whatever you want is cool," but it is implicit to both of you that there are some things you'd rather not watch and so it still takes awhile to pick something and even when you do there's a chance it is a show neither of you are particularly fond of but you just didn't really argue with the suggestion. It sucks.

I was reminded of things about him. Like how he has this weird verbal tick, where he has to point out everything that either is funny or is not funny (and this is because he is obsessed with the concept of "funny"—he writes comic strips, and that's probably why). So if he says something he will laugh and be like, "That–that was a joke. A stupid joke." Or if we have some banter going on, "That was funny, what we just did," or if he tells me a story that isn't funny, he assures me it was funny at the time that it happened. And I know a lot of people do this. He just does it a lot.

He smoked weed out of his car at some point while we parked in a cemetery. I declined his offer to smoke with him and just sat in the passenger seat as he did it. I was tempted, but I don't really like being high. And I figured being around Isaac and smoking was probably not a responsible decision. I don't consider myself a very reckless person, but sometimes I can be careless with people's feelings. Weed would just make that worse.

At some point while he was smoking, Isaac asked me if I've been sad lately. I gave him a look and said, "That's a weird question," and he said, "It's not weird." But to me it was. Because is he really asking if I've been sad, or is he asking if I've been depressed? Why doesn't he just ask if I've been depressed if he's so fucking curious?! Well, I told him, "I don't think so," and that was the end of that.

Later, though, back at his house—he was like, "You seem happier." And this pissed me off a little, but I just said something like, "Yeah, well. I hated high school." And then I added a, "You too." And he was confused as to whether I was saying he also hated high school or he also seems happier.

"You seem happier," I said. I remember being very tired of the conversation, tired in general. Talking to Isaac is just. Exhausting. He said thanks or something. I mean, he does seem happier, I guess. But whatever, who cares? I guess as a friend I should care. But I kind of don't. I gave up on Isaac awhile ago haha. He can do what he wants. He can kill himself dealing drugs or he can go to trade school to make a cleaner living or whatever. Yeah, I just... I find that I really don't care that much either way.

I only said it because it was true. But I kind of wish I didn't, because he seemed pleased, as if it were a compliment. Maybe I'm just bein' a Negative Nancy.

On the drive home, Isaac asked me if I was okay. I was okay, so the question was surprising.
"You were just kind of quiet."
I guess he forgot I am a very quiet person. Isaac sometimes acts like he knows me better than he does. Like he knows what I like and dislike. He doesn't really. He's kind of like everybody else in that sense, having these delusions about their own abilities.
I just reminded him that I am quiet most of the time. I only like to say things when I have something to say. I remember I used to tell him that all the time, but he still insisted I try to talk to him.
"I know," he said, "But you seemed more quiet than usual."
I said I was just tired.

I ended up hanging out with him for about five hours, and while it was okay, it wasn't something I craved. Actually, that's been the entirety of my social interactions lately, though. They are sort of fun, mostly boring, but I get through them and then I don't ever want to do them again. But I don't want to be alone either.

I don't know, being with other people is like being alone but... almost more lonely. I am reminded that people never fit together the way they do in books and movies and all the stories that I consume obsessively. At least not with me. I'm all frozen on the inside.

It's not like I don't try to connect. It just doesn't ever really work. I am kind of disgusted by other people. I am disgusted by myself. It's a deep kind of feeling, rooted in aversion to sex and human bodies and childhood things that I can't pinpoint.

People are gross. I'm lonely. And I got in a mild argument with my mom this afternoon. Yep. That could be any day of my life in the past few years tbh, haha.

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