redsweaterl

redsweater
2018-01-09 01:24:32 (UTC)

Thinking.....

I was listening to Enya's Day Without Rain, and it reminded me of Boston 2001. I sat listening to it crying because that was me, a young 26 year old on atrain, wanting a better life but never finding it anywhere. The soundtrack of Enya's was heard all the way to Boston in that October, right after 911 when I was still scared of my own shadow, but went anyway.
Here I am, in 2018. The new year came in with God pushing me as far as possible....right into myself. I always think of the the final scene in Breakfast at Tiffany's where George Pappard told her...Wherever you go, you'll always end up running into yourself. As a christian of two years, I didnt think myself existed, and thanks to misunderstanding parts of the Bible, I didnt think it mattered. i thought die to self meant really die to everything i wanted. i only lasted two years exactly before my head exploded. I could no longer go on being a christian this way, wanting to die, repressing, suppressing everything, the very core of myself, as I recall in horror what I did to a dear friend of mine.
I ran to get saved in late 2015 from demonic oppression, hateful voices, and nightmares. Salvation was the only thing on earth that stopped it. or did it? were supposed to guard our hearts i did not. I thought God was telling me not to be gay but I heard it in an audible voice, i would go on hearing what i thought was God up until fall of 2017 when i wised up, put a stop to it and realized God does not talk that way. I started reading only what was in his word.
Anyway, back to my friend-I thought God gave her to me as a gift to show me what real friendshiip is and that if i had that, the gayness would stop. So because I could not have it anymore, i threw everything on her, made her a makeshift girlfriend. she did okay for a little while then started to feel suffocated. she kept saying this is like a relationship, i want out. then she would come back and try again.
So we almost cut ties entirely, and she agreed to still stay friends, but didnt have a great desire to spend time with me. This happened when I felt my faith was unravelling, I was traumatized by my past, by our constant fighting, and the warfare of ten thousand lashes satan has belted me with in 2017. I can barely stand.
So I wondered wearily what on earth God was doing. why did he give me a friend just to show me that i cant be friends with women? Then it hit me....because you cant. I started to talk to my friend about my lesbianism and said i dont know how God feels about it.She was very supportive and said...God loves you, you know....
I took that home with me and kept reading post after post from freedhearts on patheos. It is about gay christians and it opened my eyes. As the day progressed, something was trying to emerge in me, and when i let it in in moments, i felt peace and calm. when i feared it, panicked, thought i was hurting God, my heart would race and i would feel nervous. I remember forcing myself to have a fantasy where a kind woman held my hand, told me it was okay, as I sat on my couch and cried myself to sleep.
Could I explore this and not get struck down dead? i dared to pray and tell God this. The day before i had cried a very serious prayer to him that i was done with fundamentalist and almost done with him. then the gay thing happened...it all happend so fast...like yep remember me, the part of yourself you hid deeply thinking it would g away?
So back to Boston. I was in River Heights eating dinner. waited twenty years for a cab. took offwalking in the worst neighborhood ever. I put my change purse in the crevice of my chest, and took off walking wearing my favorite red sweater. I was bold and fearless as I walked along a busy street with ghetto houses next to me. Nobody hurt me, mugged me,nothing. I eventually got another cab and went back to my hotel,but never forgot that experience because I was brave. Boston was about bravery.
Now I face a brave time in which I have to possibly lose my family and everything just to be who i am. and while im at it, lose my religion so i can find God. Get rid of the label Baptist and learn what a christian really is since Christ never used that term in the Bible.
He also never told us to convert gays. he never said much of anything about gays at all. in reading in context the clobber verses dont mean what we thought. sometimes it takes theology to understand the bible.


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