shawnjaxs0703

my life
2018-01-07 20:49:25 (UTC)

1st Entry Of 2018

So this is it the 1st time I Wrote in a long time there has been a lot of changes in my life since I wrote on here. I left my family about 4 months ago I barley talk to any of them I miss me all like crazy but there’s no turning back I turned my back on them for a mess that I can’t find my way out of even Chris my brother who always stuck by my side with no questions asked ever was always loyal to me even when I was in the wrong who always had my back and took care of the boys when I was in Alaska doing my own thing making money for my kids he had my back watched over my baby’s and did all he could do for them. I don't know how to talk to him we say a few words here and their but not like we use too I admit I fucked up and he would forgive me if I actually talked to him. So now imp in this complicated relationship we have a child on the way she has 2 of her own and one is 4 the other is 12 the oldest one is Elli me and her has a strong bond we bother grew up without our fathers in trying to be the father to her I didn’t have with my but I don’t know how to deal with a 12 year old girl but she means so much to me she is not taking lee lees spot she is as important as she is and they both mean the world to me. she told me one day she wanted my last name my god I almost waned to cry but me and her mom but heads like crazy these dayz because she baby’s her four year old and excepts way to much of Elli and it makes me mad and we argue a lot because of it and then she gets mad and take kids to her sisters just to show she is in control and then I ignore her tell the girls get back just because she knows it pisses me off and I don’t know what to do without that girl her youngest hates me and imp ok with that it don’t bother me much I treat me both like min and they get along with my other kids but it is what it is I guess but with Elli it breaks my heart she knows it hurts so she does it maybe I don’t deserve her to have my last name ? Maybe me being here is not where imp supposed to be? So many questions running through my mind so many thought so many doubts. the 1st time I met Elli I fell in love she holds me up so high and she comes to me for everything and her mom and her didn’t have a good bond and now we do and she thinks it’s my felt she don’t idk what to do with this I want it I want to be her dad her and my daughter Aaliyah and my boys complete my life they bring so much joy in my life. So when I left my house four months ago I left my brother/ roommate alone I moved out and started my new life. before I moved I was drinking all day and all night even during work at lunch time I’d go home have a drink and go back the only time I did not drink were when my boys stayed for the weekend and now I don’t drink I no longer smoke no anger just with the situation I am in my boys never brought anger it was the way I was feeling the anger built up inside. don’t get me wrong I love her and will continue to try to make it work for some reason it feels like I only want it to work, for our un born child and Elli they are the only reason I stay because without them I feel used and feel alone in willing to sacrifice everything to keep them in my life. When Elli and boys are together it’s like they are blood family they do everything together they boys perfect her and treat her like their own sister they are 8 10 Kolby is 8 Blane is my 10 year old they are amazing kids they say please think you they do everything they ask they argue like brothers fight like men they respect adults I never had much but I give them everything but there are limits they are expected to do what when I say I don’t ask much I raised them to respect and they will be respected me and their mom have been apart along time but in our houses we expect the same we have always backed each other up. So the question is do I belong here? Will she really let Elli have my last name? I think as a parent I can discipline her and treat her like she needs to be treated her mom works hard and spends most time with Ellis sister belle the 4 year old yeah she’s 4 but she still sneaks in our room she is always up her mom’s ass sits in bathroom while she goes putty and takes a shower with her and yeah it pisses me off. And when I say something in the asshole before I moved in Elli was getting d's and c now she gets c's and b's so if somone out their is reading this message me plz give me some idea's help me




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