"Where'd all the time go?" by Dr. Dog
She gets dressed up like a pillow so she's always in bed
Flowers for the sick and dead, she's on the go
Way too fast and way too slow,
She'll turn to stone
In hospitals and funeral homes
And when the fog rises,
Somebody sighs who is not in disguise anymore
And when the tide rises,
Somebody sinks and is gone in the blink of an eye
January 3, 2018 Wednesday 12:22 AM
So see people, sea people, C people. Today was my dad's birthday, and it was a relatively normal day. Pretty uninteresting. I woke up for a dentists appointment, Liv was at my house, we hung out the whole day and then went to dinner to celebrate my dad turning 58.
The disconcerting parts surrounded discussion of Adrian. I don't really like talking about Adrian. It makes me angry and sad. I have had dreams about him for three nights in a row now, and they're all me arguing with him. Liv told me that, in real life, his mom is not my biggest fan. And this makes me sad, because I really really liked his parents. But of course they don't like me. I guess to them, it kind of looks like I'm the girl that consistently plays with their son's heart. Where from my perspective (and the perspective of all our mutual friends), Adrian can't take a hint.
I don't know. I just flashback to those times where I was confused, and may have confused Adrian as well. Those times where I thought, "Wouldn't it be so convenient to date Adrian?" because he was right there and I knew he already liked me. And that time when I was drunk, when I told him that if I dated him it would ruin our friendship and that I needed to date other people first. The next day, when I was sober, I realized that I had been very confused and very wishful when I had said that. I can't... ever... love Adrian. Ugh. Not ever. Not as more than a friend. The next day, I told him to please disregard everything I said that night but, according to Alexis's later report, he did not. I insisted, but he must have ignored me.
I get it, that's a hard thing to forget—I got his hopes up. But I was hoping that he'd trust my words as honest. I undermined my own credibility in his eyes, by saying I was just "scared" to date him. To be fair, I was drunk, but I can see why he might think that was the repressed truth. IT WASN'T!!!! Ugh.
That same night is when he humped. And I don't remember how we got into the whole humping thing because I was incredibly drunk, much more drunk than I realized at the time. When I told Alexis about it, she made it sound as if Adrian violated me in that way?? And if his claims that he "wasn't that drunk" were true, then I want to believe Alexis. I want to believe Adrian was wrong to hump me.
I am so confused. I was drunk. I didn't return the gesture, but I didn't stop him. Does that mean I didn't consent?? I mean, I felt terrible about it when I woke up in the morning. Didn't wanna be near Adrian. But I have felt more guilty than angry about that... event.
All the above being said......... I had, on many occasions before this event, rejected Adrian. Adrian didn't see my plain rejection as rejection, though. I remember with the whole Prom Incident, I said no but he still insisted that I should go with him. And yeah, maybe my excuse was lame: "I don't want to lead you on." But no is still no. The thing is, he didn't ever take that for an answer. He'd lie and say he did, but I really don't think so.
I don't know, I realized within these past few months that I feel bad around Adrian. I am often frustrated and angry with him. Because it is not just this romantic stuff that makes Adrian a shitty friend. Adrian is generally not very considerate. That is an understatement. He has CONSISTENTLY been late to pick people up—hours late. Like 3 to 4 hours late. He gave away Alexis's longboard, most recently, and then I guess told her he lost it. And he gave it away to a stranger. Adrian likes to look like a generous intellectual when he first meets people. He is very, very concerned with appearing to be a certain type of person. I don't think he actually knows who he is, though.
And yeah. This is why it takes you a while to realize he cares more about how he looks than he does about you. Because his whole fake personality revolves around being helpful, until he knows the friendship is strong enough to withstand his less adulterated bullshit. It is never unadulterated bullshit, because Adrian doesn't admit when he's done wrong. He usually uses this tactic to transfer the guilt onto another: he repeats whatever you said to him, except he'll insert his own interpretation of the statement. And then suddenly you are accountable. He never takes his portion of the responsibility.
I don't know. After ending this friendship with Adrian AND coming home, knowing he's near... I feel sick just thinking about it. I am betrayed and angry and sad and hurt. And violated. I talked to him every time I had an issue with something he did, but Adrian never changed. He's the same guy who approached me a few years ago, except he's not even bothering with the extra niceties at this point.
Adrian is just an... intense guy. An oblivious guy. With very little capacity to understand the effect he has on others. His parents are keeping him home because they worry he'll fail out of Pratt, which is understandable since he almost failed the SINGLE lass he took this semester at UAlbany. And since he lost his job within two weeks for being late every day and dropping a shift last minute. I learned all this from Alexis.
Ugh. I just feel sick now. I'ma go watch some South Park to make myself feel better, and I'll try not to go to sleep super late.