Todayy

A southern life
2017-12-28 03:18:54 (UTC)

summary so far

I don't like my hair down and I don't like it up. My mom thinks my hair is still too short to cut again but I can put in a ponytail and that seems long enough to me. I don't brush my hair that often not because I don't want to but because its always in a bun. My bang used to always be on the left side of my face but now since they got longer I switch them to the right side. it always seems to slide back to the left though but I've done it so often now that my hairline splits in the middle. I don't know what to do with my hair anymore. I don't know how I want it either. I just know I want a style for it.

I haven't made any choices this year. I've been playing it safe. I'm not doing anything good or bad. I feel like I am stuck in limbo. How do you get out of limbo? This year is almost over and I haven't done anything drastically. I haven't gotten a tattoo, I haven't cut my hair, I haven't gotten into a new relationship, and I don't even have a job. Well, I had one for a couple of weeks but I sort of quit. I'm not complaining or anything I am just listing the things I haven't done. I am not moving forward or backward. I am paused. I will be honest it is some sort of freedom that I have. I can do anything I want. Anything but instead I sit. I write I read, I draw, I study, I drive around the city looking at old buildings at day or night and I wonder how things used to be back then. That is pretty much all I do. oh, wait! I make up all these scenarios in my head that could/wish would happen. It happens a lot and I think it's becoming really unhealthy.

This year I started off with someone and I ended up by myself. I went through a heartbreak that gave me the greatest gift of all and that was to feel normal. Later on, I started bettering myself emotionally and I got really in touch with my femininity. I watch wonder women and it made me really think about my sexuality. for a moment I thought I was bisexual because I thought of all the women that turned me on and all of the women that turned me on were successful, strong, confident, and smart. The literal thought of a successful woman having a strong voice and a successful career turned me on. But it was just that I develop a strong appreciation for women. Women are STRONG AS FUCK YALL and I already knew that, like it was in the back of my head but this year it hit me in the gut. WOMEN STRONG!!! and yeah god every time I hear a woman overcoming her obstacles being strong having a voice being successful really make me fucking horny. I want to masturbate to the thought of women running the world. I just want to admire the fuck out of every successful woman. It's making me so horny right now. I like men too now, they make me horny too but what really grinds my gears is a successful confident powerful woman. God.

I have also rethought or well analyzed my beliefs and I know I am Catholic. I always will be. I also believe in like the universe and like fate and like everything being planned out but then that changed to "yeah the universe and fate are real but I think we have the liberty to choose the type of shirt I wear or the flavor of my coffee". My other thought is that there is no such thing as anything no god no devil just me and this world and anything I want I have to go get. but I still believe in vibes. like "oh I got a bad feeling about this guy" and I believe that we can attract good and bad vibes. I still believe in soul mates and ghost for sure. right now I am living with anything I want I have to go get and also in the vibe and soul mate and ghost thing.

My anxiety is under control now. I think. This year I finally admitted to myself and I am starting to try to handle it. I also admitted to myself that I had depression during high school. I would always brush it off and say no I didn't but I read back to my old entries to my diary and I was going through a lot of depression. The relationship I had really distracted me from the fact that I had it and also anxiety but it crept back and when I was going through my breakup I finally admitted it to myself. I actually admitted a lot of things to myself this year. I guess because when I was trying to better myself from my break I felt like I had to go to the beginning of my problems when I was a kid. How come it's always the childhood where its the root of your problems?

I reevaluated my goals in life. when I was in high school I wanted to fall in love. well, actually I want to lose my virginity and then fall in love. see? it was actually two little goals. I wanted to lose my virginity but I wanted it to be the guy that I fell in love with, with the guy it would be worth to lose. It was. what I also wanted was to stay with the first person I fell in love forever but that didn't come true. that goal came during the relationship not before I started the goals lost thing. Now I want to have children. yes, I want to find love again and get married, well, actually I want to find my soul mate and get married, have kids, and be with them forever but I think the main thing here the main thing I want out of life right now in this moment is to have kids. if all that extra things happen then great! I will be extremely happy but if I had to choose out of everything, its to have kids. with that my first step is to have a career and save money. right now I don't have anyone in my life and I don't see anyone coming in soon so I am thinking realistically and to have a child or well kids, I have to have a successful career and have money, buy a house with land, and go to a sperm bank to have kids but if for whatever reason I can't get pregnant I will have to save up money, buy a house with land, and go through the process of adoption. throughout my whole getting a career and saving up money I will be fixing myself. I want to have therapy, get out of my depression, control my anxiety or well at least learn how to stabilize it and develop a healthy lifestyle. See I want to better myself before I have children. to take care of someone or something you have to take care of yourself first. once I have completed all of that I want to also do my dream career or well as I'm doing all of that I want to do my dream career. my dream career scares the shit out of me. I don't like criticism and my dream career will always have criticism but its what I want to do. its so realistic and I have to face the fears that come with it I just have to if I want to do it. but it does scare the shit out of me.

2017 so far...




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