Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2017-12-24 17:07:18 (UTC)

Brain dump

Call me amygdala but my brain is on fire and I can't stop and won't stop until I achieve nonsensical unjustified justice.

Okay I get what I'm doing here I'm underscoring my very real complaints until they become something not worth fighting for so that I can just move on with my life. But at the same time I know that I really want to address things head on and move on with my life. I just don't believe I can. Genetics.

I wish I could just dump my brain off into a remote area and move on with my robotic life.
Actually I can choose to regain control over my emotions and actions but that would take some amount of self control and would warrant a sense of progress which may lead to the point in time where I would have to address the thing I don't wan't to address.

What is that thing, you say? Well, in short, considering all the frustrated feelings I experience toward my parents. It would probably require me stating all the times I blame my life on them and admitting to my remarkable failure at maturity. Also, it would probably include the part where I forget why I let myself down this rabbit hole in the first place, and I would compromise what I really want for what is easiest to get out of the embarrassment I would put myself through.

or I could do the other thing where I skip past the personal embarrassment, take ownership of my life, cut out the wanton need for support or validation, and get on with the things I want to achieve in this world. It worked for awhile but then I deemed facing things directly too hard after breaking up with a guy and then proceeding to destroy all of my self worth. Which I should probably give a try again. But right now I'm too scared to admit that's probably the right path.
And I still don't see how to restore my sense of self worth.

So maybe I should get on that. So I'll get on that. So I'm currently on that. .

How do I do that again? oh, right, get back to taking care of my body, regulating stress, fulfilling promises, and living up to my daily values, and challenging myself regularly. Sounds like a good 2018 resolution.

I don't want to say I'm screwed in this respect, but I feel very screwed given the fact that I live at home, surrounded by people wanton of self worth and ready to not support/ actively doubt my efforts at self (at this point I realize I sound like a suspicious unforgiving and selfish asshole) (I realize I am not sure what I am supposed to feel about myself)

I feel like seeing a counselor might help me to not see these small obstacles as roadblocks. I really hate my use of metaphor in that sentance. talking about emotions is disgusting. So is feeling them. So is this diary should it be actually considered seriously. So is you. Stop judging.

It's so hard to justify needing a counselor because literally all my problems could be solved if I just talked about them. And talk is free, so why pay for it? You know?

And at the same time, why would talking in a remote room necessarily solve anything.

I feel increasingly stupid the longer I consider my own stupid argument so I'm just gonna end It right here.




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