✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2017-12-19 04:28:24 (UTC)

I'm Just Here

Dear Reader,


I'm honestly really disappointed.

I don't know why this happens, and I know it's all coincidence, but I go through spells where it's like I know something is going to happen.

Have you ever talked about some movie, show, actor, someone you know, or a certain scene, or you just think about it for no reason. Like you have no reason to think about it you just remember it.. and then literally the next day or even the same day that thing you were thinking about is on TV, or someone else brings it up.. and you're like woah I was JUST thinking about that the other day!

That happens to me all the time. I can think of some movie or show for no reason.. let's say the scene in the Avengers where the Hulk admits to attempting suicide.. the next day, it's on TV. Or someone says something about it, or I'm scrolling on Facebook and see that scene.. or something.
It's weird, It's happened to me forever, but of course like I said I don't think it's anything more than coincidence.

And I do this with people too. Sometimes I can outright think to myself before I go to a store that I'm going to see a specific person I knew in high school..
And other times I can just have someone on my mind for awhile, and see them in town.. and sometimes I can even think to myself how what if I see so-and-so, well guess who I see not long afterwards.

Well I remember picking out an outfit to wear and I've been thinking about my friend from high school, Steven, a lot lately. And I remember thinking about the last time we spoke, and how he was someone I told about J. Like he was one of my best friends.

Of course after high school I lost touch with everyone I was friends with because I had no relationship with any of them outside of school, not even online.

Honestly I don't like going to town without dressing like, good. I already feel extremely self conscious as it is, and I would hate running into old friends looking bad.

I was picking out an outfit, and I thought, what if I see Steven? I had been thinking that for awhile.

Well as we were checking out, I look to my left, and I notice someone I wasn't sure from far away was him or not. He noticed me, and when he got closer, I knew it was him. I remember thinking to myself how omg I did it again. I just somehow knew I was going to see him.

The interaction was so awkward. I was so awkward. I was a mess. When he gave me a hug, he knocked my hat off by accident, exposing my gross unwashed hair.

I don't know what I was doing. I honestly felt so bad. I don't know why I was so awkward..

I don't know why, I just had this overwhelming need to try to reconnect with him.. try to be friends again.. start talking again..

I don't know I just.. I'm tired of being alone.

i honestly hoped he could Skype.

So we had a conversation, and I felt it was going good.
He has a job.. he has friends.. he has a girlfriend. Things are going really good for him, and I'm so happy for him.

He said he had plans Thursday and Friday, so.. after we talked.. I was left feeling like.. maybe he was interested in reconnecting. When the conversation ended, he left me on read. Which I was cool with because he was spending the night with a friend, so that was understandable. I still thought it was going to happen.

And after I gave him time.. I waited to see. The weekend passed, and nothing.

I messages him Sunday, and he messaged back saying he was working 2-11:30. That's my brothers schedule, so cool.

so now, it may be too soon to call it.. but it all just feels too familiar.

I don't think he's interested. I don't think he hates me, I just think it's simple. He's got a life going on, and I'm part of the past.


I just had high hopes. I don't ever get urges like that to reach out.

I'm so lonely I started talking to Chaz again, and he pretty much has stopped talking to me.

Another friend seems to just.. Idk.

And then there's Nick.

And I feel so distant from him.. it's like it used to be. We had grown closer.. I opened myself up to him on another level again which I honestly wish I hadn't.

He used to be so possessive of me, that I had so much anxiety with everything I ever did or said..

And now, I have no idea what I'm worth to him anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he's not possessive, and has gotten better in that regard..

But honestly I don't feel like.. I can ever be close to him again. Not like I used to be..

He doesn't like skyping.. which yeah, fine. Can't make him, don't want to make him.

We've been fighting a lot which fighting stopped nearly completely for a good like time, and now we're fighting.

I lost it last week, and nearly just shoved him out for good.

I'm not sure where it started.. I just remember being close, being extremely distant.. J passed away.. I broke up with Josh.. and we we close again... and now I'm distant again.

I've said it before.. I'm a very guarded person. For me to even open up as far as I have for him isn't something that will happen to just anyone.

He's my best friend and I honestly have little trust left in him.. I've pretty much just started closing back up to the point where I never want to open back up to anyone..

He's moving on, and he'll probably outgrow me.
I asked him the other day after an argument what if we stopped being friends... what if. He basically said that it would just be too bad, but that's life.

I just feel he'd never fight to keep me in his life if I ever started showing signs of straying away.

At this point.. I don't think it would be anything much to lose me.. he has other friends. I'm not his best friend anymore.


It wouldn't be hard at all.. if I had never opened up in the first place.. but I did. 5-6 years ago I did.. and I've been open, I've been talking.. for so long.. with a handful of people that I don't know how to cope.. I don't know how to be alone again.


I don't feel loved.. I don't feel needed or wanted.

I'm just here.

And most days, I really just don't want to be anymore.

Sincerely,
Me




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