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2017-12-13 20:20:51 (UTC)

she is upset and she doesn't even know why..... again..... god i am getting tired of this

"Covered Up in Mines" by Centro-matic

Don't mind the hilarity
Just find the space in which you'll need
All your gases and your war paint
You always said the sanctity
Of your transmissions to the sea
Was a destroyable and colorless

Now I fall into the lines of some new detriment
Tradesmen covered up in mines
They won't hesitate

December 13, 2017 Wednesday 7:25 PM

I want to go home so bad, but I also really don't. I want to see my friends, see my dirty old home... I was gonna say "see my cat" but my cat is dead now and that makes me feel a bit. Empty. I loved that cat. I am a little pissed off that she died relatively young for a cat. But I don't want to think about that right now, because if I do, I will try to find someone to blame and that person will probably be Me.

Home is also gross and useless and it makes me sad. I don't know, it wasn't until I moved here that I realized how much I wanted to get out of there. I feel like I finally have my own space. Everything is so much easier to keep track of. I am not looking forward to the chaos of home. I mean, I don't even really have a bed there anymore, lol. So it'll kinda be like staying in someone's home for a month. Plus, ugh. I will probably hear my parents fighting about the same things as always. And they will yell at me and Caroline for the same things as always. And none of us will ever change. Momma will be sad and kind of tired, dad will be busy with some imminent assignment or other. And the house will be cold and everyone lethergic and there will be plates piled high in the sink and dirty glasses crowded on the table.

I am hoping to just get drunk a lot so that I don't have to endure this most of the time.

I am in a shitty mood! I don't know what happened. I'd been feeling good since I went to that party, and I saw Moby a couple more times (he is really shy but I made it my personal mission to get him to open up—which was working, but then all of a sudden I've lost interest and I don't know what to do), but like... now I just kind of want to cry for no reason??? I just got my period. Is that related? I have no idea. I thought PMS was supposed to be last week???

Ugh. I had an exam today and it went kind of okay. The thing is, though, I have another one tomorrow and I feel very unprepared but I don't want to study. I'm exhausted. Ugh. Ugh! Ugh.

I also feel really bad and stressed out about this whole Moby thing because I'm pretty positive he likes me but now, out of nowhere (yesterday I was into him, today I am not), I'm kind of over it. And the thing is, I can't tell if the crush on him was the temporary feeling or if this current disinterest is the temporary feeling. And fuck, I am just fucking confused.

People (my friends) keep telling me "it sounds like you really like this guy," but they only say that because I'm the one asking him out and all that. I only do that because I am impatient and I don't want to wait for him to ask me (IF he ever would). I convinced myself, however, that I was really into him, and now I'm just confused and annoyed because I would really like to be very into him, but I am just.. not. He's a cool guy. And fuck. I'm just annoyed. God damn it, I want to cuddle with someone. But I can't do that unless they mean something to me. Ugh. I was so excited by the prospect of cuddling with Moby... And now it's gone, in a flash! Maybe. Maybe not. We will see. Maybe the two of us can just be friends. That still means No Cuddles, though.

Ughhh my chest burns with anxiety but it's sourceless and strange and now I am going to have a hard time sleeping. And studying. Jesus.

Okay. Hold on. I'm gonna go get cookies from the lounge... they have a "study break" thing going on and if it means free food, hey, I'm there.

Okay, so. This cookie is pretty good. It's like the size of my hand and I have big hands that can stretch over like 8 or 9 piano keys.

But listen, though: I can never tell, really, if I like a guy or if I'm just lonely. Like, physically lonely. And then I trick myself into thinking I like the company of the first guy who shows interests, who bothers touching me. It helps that Moby is tall and his hands are kind of big (I mean, proportional to his body, though) and that makes me feel small. Which falls in line with my desire to be taken care of, and I dunno maybe I can just roll myself up into a ball and then I won't have any of these problems (: If you can even call these problems. Which, you can't. Because they're not. None of this is real.

Up Next: Veronica tries and fails to study for her neuro exam...the next day, we find her dead body hanging limp above an unfinished pile of multiple choice questions. The graders confirm it—she failed, both in body and mind. What I mean is, her heart failed. But also she failed the exam. Do you get it. Do you—are you laughing.

Bye, time to go cry.