LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2017-12-11 00:02:11 (UTC)

agonized


"Either Way" by Wilco

Maybe the sun will shine today
The clouds'll blow away
Maybe I won't feel so afraid
I will try to understand either way

December 10, 2017 Sunday 11:03 PM

Let's see. Let's see, let's see, let's see. Stuff has actually happened in my life.

Yesterday night, I went to a party with Karina. This was my first party while at college, and it was a pretty good experience, with a very wholesome beginning (we made paper snowflakes and took peppermint patty shots, which is like a mouthful of chocolate syrup swirled with peppermint schnapps). THen they brought out the other alcohol (this hot cider stuff, mulled wine, and "egg nog" which tasted more like melted ice cream with a lot of alcohol in it haha. My fav was the cider. When the room started filling up, I started chatting with this one kid, Moby. And we chatted about stupid stuff at first but I found he was really charming. I mean, he was kind of awkward and shy, but that was comforting and cute.

Karina pulled me aside as we were drinking some water (in between our Real Drinks) and was all, "If you wanna hook up tonight, you can," and I didn't know what to say to that because No. I don't really hook up haha. We peed together at some point (taking turns on the toilet, okay) and urged each other that we were beautiful, which we kind of were last night. I 'unno. We ended up sitting on the ground with Moby, and I tucked my knee against his and he didn't move away. I did this without thinking, as I always do, which makes me think I know something instinctually about attraction. We all migrated to the couch and I had my head against his thigh and then I invited him to sit next to me on the couch and I, being kind of drunk and totally uninhibited, just cuddled him immediately and he cuddled back.

I kept asking Moby, "Are you drunk? Are you drunk?" because it takes a lot for him to get drunk even though he never drank in high school. I mean, he is 6'4", so. I took the opportunity to ask him questions about his life. He's a CS major, but he does a lot of classics stuff too, because apparently he loves latin poetry and has been learning latin for the past six years. And music-wise, he likes "the trinity of emo trash" as he described it, lol. Fall out boy, panic at the disco (I refuse to put the exclamation point okay I'm not excited) and MCR. And Green day (which he described as "god's favorite band"). Judah and the lions ("low key depressed but tries to hide it"). Ed sheeran ("He's a ginger which is why I listen to him"). And then a bunch of folk and indie and gaelic metal bands?? He plays guitar, which pleases me!!

At some point, I asked him, "Okay. Okay. This might be kind of a weird question but—are you depressed?"

And then he laughed and was like, "Um. Depends on the day."

And I said, "Good answer," and I was also laughing and buried my face in his neck or sweater or I'm not really sure. I just know I liked it.

I also really liked—and this is embarrassing—...I liked it a lot when he laughed??? Like, really laughed, though. 'Cause he threw his whole head back and thrashed around.

Also!!! Also. At some point I really had to fart. I considered getting up to go to the bathroom, but that would mean worming my way through a very very very dense crowd. So instead I was like, "Hey. Hey. Are you against bodily functions?"

And he was like, "Nah."

"Good, 'cause I have to fart."

And he said, "Go for it. Do what ya gotta."

And then I was like, "I'm doing it, it's done," and then we went back to our regular conversation. It was probably only so casual because at that point we were both sorta drunk but that's okay. Right? I don't know anymore and I don't know if it's really worth my anxiety lol.

Karina ended up leaving at half past one in the morning, and she told Moby to take care of me. When he walked me home, it was like probably two-thirty and neither of us were drunk anymore but we still held hands the whole way. It snowed earlier that day, so I also got to throw some snow balls at him. I offered him some leftover pizza I had in my room (after we had parted ways, actually—I texted him to come back, I am muy stupid) and then we ate that and sat around on an uncomfortable floor for another two hours, just chattin' about shit.

I learned he had bad anxiety or something. He didn't go into details, but it made sense. I think he is also bi. He mentioned he had a crush on a guy at some point. I worried, very briefly, that that meant he was gay, but then I don't know why he'd be touching me so much if he weren't a bit into me. So he might be bi or pan or something. Besides, Karina told me today that he texted asking if I was seeing anyone (that made me laugh—no, no I am not). I think it's safe to say he likes me.

I'm glad we didn't kiss or anything. I'm already anxious as it is (he probably is too). I need to spend time with him, platonically. Like, without cuddling and stuff. And I need to stop myself from doing anything dumb (ex: CUDDLING WITH HIM SIMPLY BECAUSE IT RESOLVES SOME TENSION). But I don't really know how to initiate that. I feel like no matter what, the experience is going to be a certain level of awkward. And I hate that. Ugh, I can't avoid it. I mean, why is this so different from spending time with new friends? I don't mind the awkwardness in that case. Maybe I can just ask him to get food at the Ratty with me or something. Yeah. Okay.

I don't really know how much I like this kid yet. I think a bit, though. Mostly because he makes me laugh and he's got pretty blue/grey eyes. Oh god it makes me nervous. Fuck! Okay, well. I have to go and actually study now because it's reading period and I have finals coming up in a few days. Fuck! Bye! Praying I can concentrate.


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