TM49

My History Of Familial Incest
2017-12-10 16:21:58 (UTC)

Daddy? No Just Your Husband

Someone wrote something here that triggered a thought to me, and as I draw it out in my mind the more I realize it's possibility.
As a child the sexual with my father weaved it's way through my life. I had orgasms young and I was sexualized young. In his eyes I was a temptation and he made me special and part of me craved that, even though I still wished we could have had a normal father/daughter relationship. He struggled and he made me struggle between the two worlds. I knew who I was, and I knew that I could use my mind and body for gratification. I shouldn't have known these things at all at least, not until I was older and discovered them for myself. When I got "to old" for him he rejected me and it hurt and relieved me all at the same time. I was "free."
I fooled around for a few years, and then inward whore really fooled around a few years. Then I forced myself into a period of abstinence before marrying. I feared the path I thought I was on. I knew I needed to control my sexuality.
I married a man (despite what my gut screamed at me) whom I thought would give me a nice normal married sexuality and all would be well. Instead, he gave me the opposite of my childhood. I was not special nor was I gratified. My first lessons of sexuality were all about temptation and excess, and marriage was about rejection and frigidity. I (unconsciously?) chose the complete polar opposite of my childhood and the result was still pain and loss but this time the 'salt in the wound' was no gratification to dull the senses.This nice man didn't want my sexuality......without intending to I married a man who was something like the father I wanted.
It was not a completely unconscious choice... I had other reasons but I am betting this was a big part of it.
-TM




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