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I woke up this morning and I didn't feel like getting out of bed. I opened my eyes from my dream and for a few minutes, I felt like the world was okay. It's those first couple of seconds that are basically amnesia. You don't know who you are or where you are. All you know is that you're conscious after waking up. Well...when I woke up I felt ten times worse once I realized what was going on.
I was hot, my stomach felt like someone put rocks in it and now I feel...like I don't matter. A lot of my core self is built on...from...with?...Keith. Since the moment I met Keith he gave me purpose. He made me feel good about myself. And it's weird because here, at college, I'm doing the same thing. Figuring out who I am and of my self worth. And those are colliding.
I keep trying to be everything to him. He said that I wasn't texting him as much, so I started to text him more. Or he worries about me going out and not texting him, so I stay home. Don't drink around other guys, I won't, I haven't. I stop spending my money so I can have fun with him later. I talk to him knowing I have a lot of shit to do but I either don't get it done or it's late because I'm talking to him. That last one I actually enjoy doing but it's not helpful to my in the slightest. Some days I just feel like he's this toxin in my life....like cigarettes.
You know? People love those things, they're addicting but they know they're bad for them. But love is basically the same thing,,no? I mean, people have this rose colored glass type of way of looking at it. Don't get me wrong, love is a beautiful thing but it's also one of the most painful things that anyone can go through. I'd rather have someone beat my leg with a bat than feel like this. The crazy thing is, I'm not exaggerating. Shit, I've been thinking about cutting myself a lot lately too. But instead, I just lie in bed all day. It's better than putting scars on your body I guess.
If I lived in a single, I'd probably die. Not on purpose but because, I just....don't want to move all day. I want to sit in the same spot and never ever move or go home or talk to anyone.
Keith triggered another psychotic break last night. Those are the hardest to talk about. It was when I was trying to tell him about us and everything that I do to make us work. He said that he wants the real me but I honestly just don't think he does. Long, long, long ago he fell in love with a girl who: wasn't broken, liked to smile, and tried everything to keep him nearby because she loved him. Well...she did all of that because she didn't want to be alone. I mean, come on. She had no friends. They all left her and he was the only one there. But even then he was telling her she wasn't good enough. She wasn't who she used to be. He would also ask "what's wrong?" He would ask so often that it hurt the girl to even hear. It made her angry because no matter how hard she asked her never knew the answer. Of course she knows now but back then she had no idea...or she didn't want to face the facts. She was depressed.
It's just like now, she can function. She's an extremely high functioning depressive. So high, some might not even know. But she lets others know because...well....she has to let it out at some point.
My academic adviser told me to go seek out help with CAPS. I don't think it'll help. I went back this semester to see if it would help or not. I didn't. Twice, I've gone and it was worthless. I don't want to do this on my own, I don't feel like I can do this on my own but I do. The worst part is that I want to go to Keith about it but he's not much help. All I can do is cry into his chest and have him tell me it's okay. Yeah it's comforting but it's not....it doesn't work.
The worst part of all of this is, Keith is my trigger. God I don't want him to be. I never want him to be. I wish he wasn't but he is. The moment we have a fight, I stay in bed all day. I don't want to move because it's at this point that I don't have any worth. The person that makes me feel wanted the most also makes me feel the most worthless. I try so hard for him. He wants me to be me......but he doesn't. I know he doesn't. If he did I wouldn't feel like this. I wouldn't have to feel like I have to put on a show for him. He wouldn't have to feel like he needs more than me to be happy. He doesn't need me to happy. I'm bad for him. I never have and never will be enough. There's always something wrong with me. WHY!? I'M CONSTANTLY CHANGING FOR HIM. And every time I do it's not enough. Who do I need to be? Because apparetly Erin Sledge isn't good enough. Any face, emotion, act, she puts on isn't enough. I don't have any options left....
You know, I told him last night, that'd I be whatever he wanted. I'd say yes to anything he will need. But even that wasn't good enough. What is? Is it me? No. Yes....I'm not good enough. I can't be. But I'll try.