LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2017-12-02 16:40:09 (UTC)

me being unproductive (aka indulging in stupid ruminatory thoughts)

"Rising Red Lung" by Wilco

Saw a rising red lung
Glisten under the sun
I wonder when it'll part
From the snow

December 2, 2017 Saturday 3:41 PM


I don't feel very good today. For the past week or so, I had a persistent headache lodged behind my left eyebrow, but it went away after I slept last night. I think it was probably a reaction to the melatonin I used earlier in the week (and then, as a way to counteract the daytime drowsiness, I ended up drinking a lot of coffee, which probably led to a snap back effect in which my head was pissed off at the physiological changes in body... that was all bullshit, but you get the idea. Changes = headache. My body don't deal well with changes, lol).

Yesterday, I at least socialized a little. I went to lunch with a couple girls I know from chemistry, and that was fun and very comfortable, actually. I didn't feel more than the normal amount of Uncomfortable. Later in the day, I met up with Dan to give him a paper that had accidentally been handed to me in the hubbub of our last literature class. The interaction was awkward. I handed him the paper, it almost blew away in the wind, I said, "Oh my god I am sorry," and he stumbled on some words and finally let out this very self-aware, exasperated laugh, and said, "Just—thank you."

And I nodded and smiled and said "No problem," probably, and then I turned around and walked back to my dorm, feeling very disappointed. This is because I had spent the previous half-hour imagining the interaction. I kept telling myself, it was probably just going to be a very brief hand-off, but that didn't stop me from hoping. And then after the interaction was over, I wanted to kick myself 'cause, damn, I could've made conversation. I think I was just worried he hates me or something. Plus, I thought I was over my lil crush on him, but I don't think I am. Well, I'll have to get over it soon, because I don't feel really good (mentally) so I don't think I'm up for forcing a friendship, haha.

At least I like music again.

My therapy session on Tuesday messed me up a bit, though! I am still kind of mad at my parents and I don't like it. I don't like this line of thought. Especially since I know people who have much more dysfunctional relationships with their parents. Like, Liv, I know she can't rely on her parents virtually at all. And the same for Alexis. But somehow, I'm allowed to pretend I got the short end of the stick when my parents are paying thousands of dollars for me to go to a college that they didn't totally approve of? (For financial reasons, that is)

You know what happened when Alexis wanted to go to a college her family didn't approve of financially? Her family forced her to stay home and go to the local community college instead. And I think she is doing the best that she can with that option, and I have no doubt that Alexis will be successful no matter where she goes, but I can't help feeling guilty (which I know is selfish and useless, so shut up) because I'm at this ~fancy~ school doing Nothing being Nothing working towards Nothing because I am a Nothing.

Okay. That was melodramatic. I am working towards a degree?? I don't know, I am just a little upset because I don't think I deserve it any more than Alexis and yet. Ugh. I don't know, this is all me judging, though. The community college is a very good school. Is it wrong to say Alexis can do better? Am I putting down the students that DO go to that community college? I mean, a little. Many of the younger students are people who went to my high school or other local high schools and didn't care too much about school. Others are people who would have rather gone to schools elsewhere, but couldn't afford it. Or they're like my mom and go to the college because they are looking to get better job prospects with a degree.

In other words, its people with different priorities, the top one being money.

Ugh, this is depressing to talk about. I don't know why I am making myself feel guilty. My parents can afford to send me here. I don't have to worry about money. I just have to worry about being happy. That's that. Ugh. Did I just make my head hurt again? The answer is yes. Yes I did.

I am going to go take a shower. Scrub myself clean. I am a little bit sick (sore throat) and drowsy and overall unsettled. I hate my mind right now. I feel very stupid. Maybe writing (like, writing fiction) will make me feel better.

Oh, yeah. That is the highlight of this week. For the first time this whole semester, I didn't feel like crying after a workshop! I actually thought I fared pretty well and I got a lot of useful feedback.


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