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2017-11-28 16:53:40 (UTC)

i could almost feel the sun

"Taste the Ceiling" by Wilco [the lil background guitar whistle reminds me of Ugly Casanova, "Smoke Like Ribbons"]

I was on the ceiling
I could almost feel the sun
Tried the words in sequence, but that's never how it's done
Why do our disasters creep so slowly into view
I was only after a friend to follow through,
I couldn't lose

I know why you don't really know me
I don't think you can call it home
All alone I couldn't taste another thing

November 28, 2017 Tuesday 4:01 PM

I don't know why my stress hits me like this. It's like it hasn't hit me at all. I know I have finals starting in, like, a week, but I doooon't care. I am probably gonna fail. That's not even an exaggeration, given my last chem grade. Usually, I am pretty okay in Calc, but I've been really struggling on the past two homework assignments. So that's not great. I know I'm going to pass Literature and I will likely do fine in Neuro but that's kind of really it.

Man, school is hard. Especially the STEM classes. I wonder if it's too late to swear off science forever????

8:26 PM

Whenever I leave therapy, I feel so unsatisfied. But only because we've started on a line that I want to see through to the end, only I can't because therapy is only an hour and Lancelot has other patients.

Today, Lancelot told me I was "unusually perceptive." And that I didn't let him see that until this most recent therapy session. It's not like it's a thing I actively try to hide, so I was a little surprised, but in a pleasant way.
He said this because we were talking about my family (my parents in particular) and about why I don't really like being home.

I told him my mom is basically depressed and exhausted all the time, while my dad is too caught up in his work to really put energy into home life. I talked about how my dad managed to set up roots at home, he managed to build a life for himself. He's got his research and he's got his church and he's got his friends. But my mom hasn't ever really had anything like that keeping her there. She hasn't got a lot of friends, and her only real obligation is work. She feels lonely and she hates her job and she's in physical pain and she can't sleep very well and her entire family is like a thousand miles away.... (this is an extreme summary of what I said lol)

And then I explained that my parents are very unreliable. It's... not something I really like to write about? Like, I almost cried several times while discussing it with Lancelot. It's just—a guilt-producing subject. I like my parents and I love them. Wouldn't change them for anything in the world. But there are some things I could've used help with. Like, when I was depressed as a middle schooler... and I felt like I needed a lot of help... I don't think my parents recognized that even after I tried to bring it to their attention? I dunno, maybe they did the best they could. But also, maybe they shouldn't have treated me like everything was normal when I was clearly not okay.

And this has been a theme throughout the years. I have learned it is my responsibility to tell them when I am not fine. But I am young, and before I was even younger. So maybe they should've paid more attention, especially since they were already aware that I was not a normal kid.

Maybe they should've cared about my struggles in applying to college too. Maybe they should've taken some initiative to help me instead of only responding after several fights. It turned out fine, but I mean, then again I almost didn't come to Brown because my dad didn't want me to. You know the person who fought for my attendance to Brown? My fucking once-in-a-lifetime opportunity? The one time when my stupid dedication to learning actually paid off? You know who did that? Caroline. Not my mom, not my dad. My sister. Because when it comes down to it, Caroline has always been the one who looks out for me.

I love my parents, but they're not mindful of their kids. That's why I grew up as independent as I did. And yes, it had its benefits. But maybe it's okay to be mad about the issues it caused too. Maybe it's okay to recognize that part of the reason I try not to rely heavily on people is because my parents are not reliable (Remember when I couldn't go to therapy consistently because my parents didn't help me with scheduling?). Maybe it's just okay to be mad!!!!!!!!!! And I am mad, I'm very mad.

But at the same time, I am deeply unsatisfied with this anger, because I'm not sure where to direct it. Being honest with the parents does not work. As I explained to Lancelot, I've tried honesty before, but nothing changes. Caroline and I both know that at this point. And besides, in the end, I don't really want to blame my parents. I love them and they've given me a lot in my lifetime. I am mad about things they could not have possibly prevented.

Ugh, I have such a fucking headache.

I do like Lancelot though. He makes me laugh.

At the beginning of the session, before we got into the meat of things, he told me about how he loves awkwardness. He just loves to push the bounds of social construct or something idk how to word it. He's the kind of guy who makes eye contact in an elevator and holds it. He says awkwardness is genuine.

And I said I was interested in awkwardness, but in a different way. I like to avoid it.

And he said, all gently and laughing, "Well, that's because you have an anxiety disorder. Otherwise you'd be like me."

And I laughed. I like when people joke about the messed up parts of life. It's like, if other people can laugh with you, then it's easier to see the humor in your terrible situation. If that makes sense. Sorry, not feeling particularly eloquent today. God, I hate the word eloquent.