TM49

My History Of Familial Incest
2017-11-24 23:05:52 (UTC)

Peeling The Onion

It's said we are like onions, and that the only way to get to the actual person is to peel the layers down to the core. There might be some truth in that, but not entirely. I think we ARE our layers, consisting of life experiences that we have learned from emotionally and intellectually. The core is simply the place from which everything else grew and isn't that where we all began?
I admire simplicity but often seem caught in complexity. It's all an inward drama for the most part, because I avoid inviting to much outside drama into my life whenever possible. I also recognize that the rigid parameters I've laid out for myself are just that. I say that I am lonely and that I want love and passion, but I certainly take few risks in making that happen. Or when I attempt to I place so much emphasis on it being the "right" connection or the "right" moment or the "right" mix of words and phrases. I make sure I can "sense" that person. If all of these combinations fail to congeal harmoniously I back away and revert to my cave of longing once again.
So I ask myself...can I really love? Have I ever really loved? If I can't or don't know how, then I must satisfy myself with the idea of casual sex online or off and accept that the bar of passion and intimacy is higher than I can reach.
My online ex of over 3 1/2 years says otherwise. He says I loved him fully and completely, with equal amounts of smarts and passion, and that I am capable of having a full relationship. (He and I are still friends.) I am glad he believes that. How can he see it so clearly and I cannot?
My relationships and loves were a mix of childish fantasies and unrealistic expectations. My first genuine adult one was with this man and entirely online. My marriage has been a miscarriage of common sense on my part...if I have to look at that as an example of a mature adult relationship I am in deep trouble. I married a man of high intellect with a 4 year old emotional capacity. Here I am on the other side of my 40's and honestly have very few truly adult relationships to look to. I've spent most of marriage alone and the past almost 5 years since excepting that fate in a self imposed nun status.
I have grown comfortable in this status I fear. I am lonely, but it's not the same loneliness that grips my heart and threatens to burst out of my chest. I think that is a child's need and it may always be with me, regardless of those surrounding me and loving me and fucking me. The hole that may never be filled. It is it's own onion, stripped down to the core and it's rotten and black.
-TM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lEqo2va9hFQ




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