LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2017-11-21 01:33:47 (UTC)

slump behind my brain


"If I Ever Was a Child" by Wilco

Well, I jump
To jolt my clumsy blood
While my white green eyes
Cry like a window pane
Can my cold heart change
Even out of spite?

I slump
Behind my brain
A haunted stain
That never fades

I hunt
For the kind of pain
I can take

November 21, 2017 Tuesday 12:39 AM

Lancelot is so responsible, it kills me. He stepped out of his office and summoned me at pretty much exactly twelve-fifteen today, which is the time of my appointment. Last week, I told him that I get really anxious because each appointment because I worry it's not going to happen—I worry he has died, or he has forgotten, and so on. And he assured me he would tell me if he ever had to cancel, but I still get very worried and it reminds me, painfully, that I am not as in control as I like to think. I still worry obsessively over trivial things and I am still so sensitive to the world.

I think about a lot of things Lancelot says to me, which is probably a good sign. It means I am being therapized. Yay!

One of these things was: "Do you think I'll disappoint you?"

I said, "I don't know," and he said, "I probably will disappoint you at some point. And you'll disappoint me." And his point was that it's normal and it's okay but I still grimaced and was mutedly horrified at the concept.

Last week, he asked me why I felt the need to control things by thinking so hard about them, and I agonized over the phrasing of the question ("Of course you did," he said, and I like that he takes that familiar tone with me) and then finally I decided the answer was: as a kid, I was very hypersensitive to any sort of emotional damage. It manifested itself viscerally, as physical pain, and then it just persisted as a painful thought, like a bruise, for a long time afterwards—and eventually I learned a few things that helped me avoid that unbearable pain, one of those things being that if I think about everything and prepare for the worst I am less likely to get hurt.

He was like, "Do you think that has made you miss out on anything?" only I liked the way he said it better, but I find it very hard to capture his... demeanor. Lance is a weird guy. He is expressive and when he speaks there are a lot of pauses; he is very careful in phrasing his words. But anyway.

My response was: I have changed a lot and I think I've learned to take risks and stuff. The only area of my life that my anxious compulsions still have a majority of control over is my romantic life. I tend to choose people that make me feel safe. Like, Isaac made me feel safe, because he really liked me and I knew that. I also knew that there was very little chance of me getting hurt in the relationship because I didn't like him as much as he liked me. It didn't hurt that Isaac is really, really pretty and he smelled good. Yeah, well, these kinds of relationships tend to end in annoyance on my part, because I get irritated by the clinginess the other party exhibits, lol.

This same thing applies to Adrian, actually. We were never in a relationship, but we always fought like a (dysfunctional) couple. And part of why I kept him around so long is he gave me a lot the attention that I craved and I never really returned those feelings. It was safe, in other words. God, why is that my key word? Safe. Safe. Safe. I need safety.

This week, the question he proposes to me is: what do I think would happen if I forfeited some of that control??? I think that was the question, at least. I am really anxious thinking about it, because I remember the exact moment that he proposed the question—I remember where we were standing—but I can't remember what he said!!!! Ughhhhh. I don't know why I am so afraid of answering the wrong question. I don't think he would mind. I was very pleased when he praised me for fucking answering last week's question. God, I love praise, haha.

Well, I dunno exactly how to answer his maybe-question. What would happen if I just... went with the flow? Well, I'd get hurt. But I am always hurt, no matter how much I try to protect myself, because human beings are volatile things.

As of now, the concept of Dan seems different from the other boys at least. I am trying to pursue him, that is, instead of the other way around. And he is showing very little interest, lol. But I remember, years ago, I also tried to get to know Isaac and that didn't really change what our friendship turned into.

----

I understand sometimes why some girls are so angry with men.

Today, I went to a random advising lecture at Ladd Observatory, where we also tried to peek at some stars. Unfortunately, it was very cloudy, but I caught a glimpse through a telescope of a binary star—one big glowing blue spot and a smaller orange one right beside it. God, it was so coooool! The whole thing was really lovely, but the roof where we did the observing was very cold so I was shivering even with my heavy long-coat and a sweater beneath that.

This kid, a stranger (all I know is he is a sophomore concentrating in physics—he was kind of annoying and he talked a lot about nothing), he asked me, "You cold?"

I nodded and smiled. Just that question was almost enough to change my entire stupid opinion of him (I knew it was dumb to dislike him after only seeing him around for a few seconds, but some people just give you a Vibe, okay?). But then he started rubbing my back—right around the shoulder blade—and I wasn't sure how to react. He pulled away and then said, "Do this," and rubbed his hands together very quickly.

I don't remember what I said in reply to that, I was so dazed—but I know I didn't do what he said because my hands were already pretty warm tucked in gloves deep in my coat pockets.

I don't think anyone else saw this happen even though we were in a very tightly packed group??? But it was just soo..... weird. So weird and uncomfortable. Honestly, I felt just a little reaction in my body as soon as he touched me, a tightening in my lower abdomen, which essentially means I was turned on for a flicker of a moment. That's so fucking weird, to have been briefly turned on when the reality of that moment kind of just... confused me and made me uncomfortable.

But it's either that my body is used to responding a certain way to guy's touches or I am so sexually frustrated lately (and I really kind of am) that literally anything will get me going.

I don't know. It was weird and I took a step away from that dude, and I definitely overthought that momentary touch for the rest of the astronomy thing. Like. Maybe he's just socially awkward. He didn't seem to be able to read social cues, if his excessive talking was any indication. Does inability to recognize discomfort excuse the inappropriate invasion of my space? I want to say no, but honestly, how can I blame him if he doesn't even know what he did was wrong?

I kind of wish I said something, but I was just so shocked. He should know that you don't just touch strangers like that. It's weird.

God, it made me so uncomfortable. And, again, yeah, it makes me understand a little why some girls really like to harp on male privilege. 'cause really, how many times have people like this kid or Adrian just touched me for no particular reason? Why don't I hear about this happening with girls? I'm sure there are girls out there who do the same thing. Is it more prevalent in guys? That would make sense to me, because generally guys get away with more. They apologize less, they speak up more, etc. etc. I mean, none of this makes me angry at any particular guy, but it does make me feel a little... defensive. Like I have to watch out for myself. I know most dudes are decent and won't take advantage of me, but I worry anyways. I worry if it's all in my head.

(That was one thing that was always really nice about Isaac—he never touched me unless I made it clear it was okay. He tried to hold my hand, but that was it. Plus, it's different. I was his girlfriend... Is that different? Hmm.)

Okay, it's actually late. It's like a quarter past 1. So I should go to sleep. I have class in 8 hours. Fuck, please don't let me oversleep!!!!




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