Wr1tt3n0ne

Bunches and bunches
2017-11-19 01:50:43 (UTC)

There I Am, Right Where I Left Me

I looked into the mirror tonight and finally saw myself. I won't lie, it has been a while. When I hurt, when my heart aches too hard for too long, I lose sight of myself. I cannot be the me that I am. And my spiritual self takes a holiday and so when I look in the mirror, it is only a bit of me that I see. Since that guy, first love, my heart has been rent asunder, not nicked nor torn but a nasty, bleeding, beating heap and I have not been able nor willing to piece myself back together. I felt like if I did, that would be it. I would have to move on. That it would acknowledge that there is no first love left in him, that this situation and him are utterly unredeemable and I concur with the universe and am stopping my objection.

I looked into the mirror, fixed my hair and saw myself clearly. The course of action I have chosen for myself in regards to him I am completely on board with. I feel myself returning. Whether or not it results in having first love in my life, I am content to watch it play out. I know who I am and I have missed me. Thank god, I am back. The last of my sickness is leaving my body and I feel stronger, less tired. My cough lingers, but it won't last much longer, it has nearly cleared and I plan to take it easy again tomorrow.

I am me, again. I have coherent thoughts and plans, dreams and strength. My writing is finally clear and concise again. I feel awakened and freshly alert. Today's activities helped that along. I spent some time with my family at a drone exhibition. I watched my daughter fly simulators and solder circuits, finally as it wrapped up we waited in line for the goggled drone flying. I suffer from a moderate case of vertigo. I still ride roller coasters and delight in my own easy dizziness. I don't get sick, merely giddy with it. But when the vertigo gets tripped, I get nauseated and my eyes don't focus too well. I knew that flying the drone via goggles was going to be hard on me since most VR triggers it for me, hell even old fashioned mirrors that face each other can bring it on as well as too many curved surfaces.. Still, my husband insisted. So phenomenal to soar so fast and turn so easily. The drone was run mostly by its owner while I got to take in the view but he periodically let me fly it with my set of controls. Did you know you can fly one upside down? Yeah, me neither. The dizzy eventually gave way to sick, but it was so freeing to look down over the racing field and soar.

I came home to a family meal and then a quick nap since my sleep was cut short this morning. Now I am wide awake and seeing myself looking like myself and feeling like myself for the first time in ages, well months. And dear readers, it feel great to be back.




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