Cece14

AyeItsCelia14
2017-07-05 17:23:34 (UTC)

hey ... been a while

Dear Diary ,
Wow has it been a long time since I have written in this online diary. I have kept my word and have been writing in other spaces where I can and when I can. High school was a mess and when I say it was a mess trust me it was one wild ass ride I was not ready for and I am so glad to be done with it.
See what just happened though was my first heart break and boy was that a wild ride.
I am slowly getting over it day by day and I miss him of course, but I will be fine and I can't wait to see what my future has to offer. I want to talk about him, but there has been a lot more going on than just him I mean I need to catch you up on the last 4 years of my life and well lets get thru it as fast as we can
freshman year was a but crazy it was my " lesbian " time and i mean I literally only dated girls my first year of highschool but this one girls, alicia yea she kind of broke my heart and well I have not tried to be with a girl ever since that i have not let a girl near my heart bcz you got me fucked up i dont want to end up even more broken than i already am
so sophmore yeat i went thru this whole trying to find out who i am. and it was a mess i broke a lot of hearts a long the way and boy broke mine and i mean it hurt for the time being but then it stopped hurting . so that year I learned a lot about myself and what I wanted and didnt want
jr year was a mess I was ready to drop out. I had work and school and i tried to kill myself a lot. never did tho.
so my last year . I wanted to be with someone and I wanted it to be forever but I knew karma was out to get me because well of course i had broken a lot of hearts so now it was my turn so i was scared of being with someone and i thought i had found the right guy until i saw that well.. ok he wasn't the right guy but in the momment it felt like he was. See the problem was that he was my ex best friend and i know it was messeed of me to try and be with him becasue i wasnt over his friend i mean how could i be i loved thta boy since the day i saw him. he was everything to me he was perfect though everyoen else hated him i didn't i loved the boy so much so of course once he stareted ti see that i was talking to his bets friend he didn't like it and at school he would touch me and look at me and make me miss class for him. we would walk around the halls and laugh and make out and one day it went to far . I stayed after school with him because he had asked me to and then out of no where we .... well we had sex and it sucks because that same day i had a date with his best friend and i tried to get him to leave but he wouldn't. then he stopped talking to me and ill admit it hurt for a bit. This is where the real pain started to come into my life. he walked in so slowly but made me fall so hard and fast i let him in so easy and he broke me so easy. I don't hate this boy. I don't think I ever will hate this boy . He meant everything to me and it was perfect for the time being till it wasn't see i knew he was a lair I just didn't think he could do it to my face all of the time and he did . It broke my heart when I founfd out about the other girl and when i had asked him about it he said yes and that i lived to far for him to keep doing it i broke so easy that day but i forgave him becasue well i was so in love and i mean i wanted him to pick me so bad but i knew i wasn't everything he wanted and that was ok i just needed him to say it . out loud even if he thought it would hurt me I wanted him to say it but he never did and i hate him every day for it i hate him for making me think he would catch me when i fell htu he didn't he ran the other way ran back to the person that had broken him in the first place and that is where i get made because time and time again this boy had told that he wouldn't go back to her and the first thing he did when i had left him was he went back to her and i hate him ,no i don't i hate what he did and how he said i love you with a lie how he kissed me so simple and went right back to kissing he ri dont understand why wasnt i enough why couldn't he stay with me and i know i shouldn't be thinking like this I know i shouldn't but i can't helpo it this boy broke me so simply and i hate it because i know myself i know what i want and need but he doesn't and i can't hate him for that i wanted him to stay i wanted him to stay so bad but he didn't want me not the way that i wanted him and i couldn't make him want me back. I was scare and he knew i was scared but that didn't stop him from caring enought to not break my heart he said he wanted ot show me what love was and i mean he did a great job at that i didn't know love could be like that so blinding i mean i knew it would hurt i knew it would break me but i didn't think that in a sad way it would be the end of me. I wish he didn't do it . I wish i didn't fall the way i did but i did and i can't go back and he can't undo it or fix or make it right. I also can't hate him for being human and making mistakes I just asked him to not become his mistakes that boy has a lot of growing up to do and i understand that know i just wish he had done the growing up with me while he had me because i would have died for the boy and she doesn't even see him. she doesn't love him she never did and that is so fucked up but i cnat hate her either because she is who i was a few years ago. those 2 belong togethe rthey lie and lie and I dont't like that . i think a good person is someone that can't stand there and lie to you all of the time what kind of love is that that kind of love is messed up and in a way i am so glad he is gone becasue now i am not number 2 or number last i am number one and one day some boy or girl will see that in me and they will want to be with me for me and i can't wait until that day i have been single for almost 2 years. i do not wish love to come my way anytime soon only when it feels i am ready because as of right now i am far from ready and this boy has opened my eyes i am now scared of talking to anyone or letting them in so if they come into my life i hope they understand i am one wild ride.

college has been great so far. I mean i havent made anyfriend and thats alright because well ... whatever.
i feel i have writen enough and am now gunna go listen to sad music
like jessie reyes.




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