Todayy

A southern life
2017-11-15 01:10:07 (UTC)

I know

I know that you don't think of me anymore
I know you're happy
I know you left me because you just didn't love me anymore
I know you are going to be successful in your life
I know that you will find someone else to love, marry, and have kids with one day
I know that now.
I know that you are leaving in January between the 11th -17th and I know I am going to be sad on those days because you will be officially gone out of my life.

I will admit that I am still mad and even jealous of you. Mostly because you got your life together so quickly and I'm here writing my feelings out. I have absolutely no idea what to do with my life, well I do but I don't know why I just can't do what I need to do. I sometimes think I should just join the military because then basically everything will be planned out for me, people would be telling me what to do, I'll be traveling a lot, I'll be more in shape, and smarter. It's hard doing what I am doing now because I have to motivate myself and that's hard. I rather get yelled at and be in a place where they make me do things. Instead, I am here being pissed at myself. Everything I want/need I don't have in my life and that is all my fault. I know I just need to get up and do them and I fucking HATE myself for not doing them. I am mad and I just hate everything about me because I am not just doing them. why? why the fuck do I not just get the fuck up and do everything that I want to do??

I talked to one of my professors today to get advice on studying for his exam and he said that basically I just need to study more. I was bothered by that at first but then he said "I know I know students don't like hearing that. They tell me that they are and they tell me for how long and how they are trying so hard but here's the thing you always have to study more than what you think. I tell them for how many hours I would study in college and they would always be surprised by my response but its the truth. You have to always do more even if you think you're giving it your all, you just have to do more" I understood what he meant and I thanked him and he was right. Not just in studying but in everything in life. I do think that I am trying I am trying so hard but I will be honest here and I feel like I am trying very hard but I am NOT giving it my all. I have realized that now I have always felt like I am trying so hard but I don't need to try I need to DO and even after I do I need to do more. In everything in life, I need to do more and more.

I would like to add something here, in the end, it has to do with my ex. I loved him yes I did but he wasn't my soul mate and I know that. Recently I was thinking about him and the most random (well not so random) but this question to me felt like it was out of the blue but I asked myself "Do you still love him?" I immediately said to myself "No" but then this other side of me said "WHAT?? yes, you do! he was your first love, you're supposed to always love your first love, you're not supposed to be in love with them but you're supposed to have this always love thing for them!" and then this other side to me said "No I don't love him anymore...I just don't....I don't feel love towards him anymore.." then I thought to myself "then why do I keep thinking of him?" then I thought "because it's a habit" and that's where I am right now (with getting over him) where I don't feel any love towards him but out of habit he is still there. To be honest I really only think of him when I am horny because he is the only guy I slept with sooo yeah..... Maybe I'll just have sex with someone else then maybe I'll stop thinking of him.




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