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2017-11-14 19:35:50 (UTC)

The Backslide

OK OK it's not a full-blown backslide, but last night she sent me a text "Hey." It was 10pm and I was trying to fall asleep. It woke me right up. It rattled me for some reason. Like when you're a kid and your mom catches you doing something you shouldn't and she loses it. That terrible feeling that makes your ears ring and your head buzz. Why? Maybe I felt guilty that I hurt her. Like she was about to let me have it. Like she had harbored her anger and let it brew for the last 2 weeks and she was finally going to explode on me.

Another part of me was annoyed with the lazy "hey" text. Hey? Really? I wanted to reply "Hey what?" I don't just text people "hey." Who does that? You got something to say, say it! Or say "Hey, I've been thinking about you. How have you been?" Something!

And then I'm embarrassed to say that it stroked my ego to get a text from her bc it meant that she was still hung up on me. I still had the upper hand. It could have been me that caved and texted her when I was feeling lonely but I didn't!

Anyway, I chose not to respond. I figured we would both have a lot to say and I didn't want to get into it. But it still kept me up thinking about what I would want to say to her, and what she might want to say to me. Lucky for me, if she wanted to go off, I would just ignore her or take the higher road and calmly explain myself and coldly let her go. Before that text, I figured it was all over anyway -- nothing to lose. But if she wanted to grovel and beg me to come back, I would really have to make a tough decision. I tried to simplify it in my head. We could continue to do things together and get to know each other IF and only IF there was time. And time has been the issue all along so if nothing has changed, then I just go back to my previous stance: she has no time to date. But do I even want to date her?? I've been through this in previous entries so I wont get into it again, but if we're gonna start over, we're gonna have to have a chat about me being much more politically liberal than her (I also have to decide if I can stand to be with someone who voted for Trump and still supports him). I'd have to let her know that I disagree with her decision to keep her kids away from their dad out of vengeance. It doesn't sound like she's still fighting that battle but if she continues to, I'll have to say something.

Anyway, I resolved to text her in the morning instead. All I said was "Hi."
"How are you?"
"Doing good. How have you been?"
"Not sure."

Here it comes, I thought. I started to type "Let me just clear the air by saying that I didn't intend on never talking to you again but these sort of things tend to be all or nothing." But as I was typing I could see that she had started to type so I erased everything and let her go first. It was like ten minutes later that she wrote back and all the while I was sure she was going to get into the thick of it about her and I and how she felt at my decision to take a break or whatever, maybe how it was unfair of me to do that, etc.

NOPE. She went right to talking about how much she's been working and gave me the update on the child support stuff she's been dealing with. REALLY? It's like she'd rather pretend nothing is wrong. How lame. Maybe she started typing her feelings and deleted it all and resorted to just making small talk. Fucking hate that. Let's be real. What do we have to lose?

I'm so negative aren't I? You should know that I don't write about how I empathized with her about needing that child support, how I acknowledged her struggle and replied something appropriate. This journal is for all my negative thoughts and frustrations. No one needs to vent about things that go well. But anyway, it is worth mentioning that I feel for her, and part of me cares about her situation. I empathize with how crappy her life is. I'm drawn in by that. But I mustn't mistake empathy for romance.

So we've kept texting a little bit today, just boring crap. But then she asked me when we were going to do genealogy. That was something she has a passion for and something I've been wanting to get into. It was going to be something we could do together. I said we could work on it whenever we could find time. She took the opportunity to say she's trying to work less but needs to wait until the child support gets settled, understandably. She suggested Tuesday or Thursday nights. I could make a Tuesday night work. I haven't said anything to her yet. Today is Tuesday and I'm not sure I'm ready to go back in the game yet. I was retired as of this morning before we started talking again.

I still get confused as to why she's so into me. She's way better looking than I am. If she'd only date online, she would see there are hundreds of guys who would be way more attractive and way more interested. It must come down to the fact her bar is set pretty low. Sad.

After so much bullshit conversation about work and child support, and a play-by-play about her evening, I said something like "Fascinating conversation we're having." To which she was like "You know you like it. I haven't talked to you in a long time, you know you miss me."
"Or not lol."

I froze. Didn't know what to say. I wasn't ready to jump back in like we're dating again. I just said it was nice to talk to her again and that I never intended for us to never talk again. Then she admitted that she took what I had said too personally and was mad. She confessed that she gets her feelings hurt easily and her immediate reaction is anger. (Real attractive, I know.) Anyway, it gave me the opportunity to clear some air. I told her I didn't mean to hurt her, just trying to be honest about how I saw things. She said she should have realized we were just friends and not been so hurt. I was like "Just friends? I don't kiss and flirt with my friends. We were more than friends but not quite a couple yet. Somewhere in between. But maybe now 'friends' might be a good start." Something like that.

I think I taking the pressure off of trying to be a couple and working on keeping the chemistry going and the momentum moving, and just relaxing a bit and doing things together when possible will be a good thing. She told me she couldn't stand not talking to me because we're so much alike. I don't necessarily see it that way. It's just that I'm exceptional at conversation. I can empathize and relate to people. It's one of my strengths, a strength I'm proud of. I'm also friendly and I don't know how to snub people or be rude to them. It's not in my DNA. I'm also a peacemaker. I want everyone to get along and be friends. So when she sent me that first text after the long silence, I couldn't NOT reply. MY instinct was to mend things, soften the blow. I also wanted to crack that door open just a little bit in case things changed, giving us opportunity to build something together. We talked a little about that too. She's supposed to be getting $600 or something every month for child support which will really help her financially and she wouldn't have to be picking up shifts on her days off to make ends meet. We'll see about that.

In conclusion, I'm not sure where I stand. Part of me likes that there is someone in my life again that wants to spend time with me, is interested in me, someone to text, just someone. It's not that I don't have anyone else in my life, but they satisfy different needs. I've always wanted to find that special person to share my life with and Alex is the closest thing to that right now. It's hard to completely let go of that, especially when she is still fighting to be with me. That's gotta count for something. Or she's broken and lonely. Or I'm actually a great catch and I don't know it. Hah.

I really need to address the Trump thing. I think I will today. She wants to say that we're so much alike but what about our view on social issues and stupid Trump giving white nationalists a voice? I already know she sides with Trump on NFL players kneeling during the anthem. That's not a good sign already. It's really weighing on me. If we could clear this up, I think I could be more excited about the possibilities of a long term relationship with her.