Snuffy

Danielito
2017-11-08 19:29:08 (UTC)

Afterthoughts

This is a public diary; someone read my last entry about Alex and said I should give her more time, that it would get better. This was my reply:

"Yeah, I have second guessed my harsh reaction. But I have concluded that if I was really truly head over heals for her and I felt she was someone really special and a great match for me, I would have definitely been more patient with how slow things were moving. What else do I have going on? Nothing. lol
But the way I lost interest was a good indicator that I really wasn't that into her to begin with. And she deserves to be with someone who is. And I shouldn't settle for someone who doesn't make my world go round just because the dating pool is shallow."

We haven't spoken a word to each other since. I've been tempted to text something like "Hey, I'm sorry that I hurt you. I didn't mean to do that. I also didn't intend for us to stop talking completely. But I guess we have to be all or nothing in these types of situations. I miss you, though. But I stand by what I said about not having time for each other."

This sort of text would open up wounds and be confusing to her. It might lead to a backslide and we might be back together when I'm not even sure that's what I want. What's really happening here is that I miss being with someone. I miss the perks of dating someone but I don't really miss her and that's why I've let the whole thing just sink to the bottom of the ocean completely. I can't be back and forth with her every time my heart feels a little bit lonely. That would be messed up. Still, I wish there was something I could say to soften the blow. Or to somehow keep that door cracked, not completely shut.

I have nothing to distract me from thinking about Alex. Don't get me wrong, I'm not thinking about her non-stop. Just every now and then I miss having someone to text or a date to look forward to. I honestly feel that a lot of people jump from S.O. to S.O. just to have those things: calling each other "babe," buying each other thoughtful gifts, "good morning" and "goodnight texts," etc. It's much less about the person they are seeing than it is about just having someone to do boyfriend/girlfriend things. I think one can become addicted to that. Which to me could be blinding! Your happiness is so dependent on having those interactions that you could end up with someone you don't love or isn't right for you. It's cruel to the person you're with to be like that and I don't wanna be like that with Alex. She's attractive, I enjoy the feeling of having someone like me back, I like the texting and the flirting, and the romantic feelings I get when I think about seeing her again, but I'm not crazy about her as a person. Regardless of what I think of her, she's unavailable anyway so the rest is moot.




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