LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2017-11-04 13:28:42 (UTC)

cold fish


"Foaming Love" by Bedhead

Floating up to the hole in the sky
To the casual wink of Uranus's wandering eye
I looked down somewhere over Europe
and let down a rope with Zeus on my side

And Kypros was pointing her bony finger
at the hole she'd made in Turkey's belly
and Kithira could hear nothing else but the noise
of Laconia's engulfing war yell

Is she Tartarean again today
with her aphrodisiac the tarantella sway
In anagogical vision I am what I see
in anaclitical remission there's nothing more to be

And I hit a wall with all I had
a start even with the first kiss
It ended in a scream of pain
I broke every bone in my red fist

And I face it she makes the world spin
she makes all of us somehow kin
and makes everything the same as it's always been
so I've let down my rope to reel anyone in

And Uranus's scrotum's a totem pole
in the middle of Washington state
It tells the story of what went down in our house
it tells the story of our lust-driven, bearded, beautiful fate
[HOLY SHIT THESE LYRICS ARE SO COOL?]

November 4, 2017 Saturday 1:30 PM

I am okay. I had a rough night on Thursday, lol. I ended up sitting on a shaded bench in the Main Green for probably two hours (10 PM to midnight??) talking on the phone with Caroline. It was a weird talk that I don't care to recall fully, mostly because it contained a lot of embarrassing confessions regarding my own very terrible self-esteem. You know, sometimes I forget I have bad self-esteem because I am so comfortable being alone—but then I am exposed to other people, skin peeled back, and I realize I've got no faith in myself. I never really have.

I feel... weirdly closer to Caroline since I left for college. And that is weird to me, considering I have always considered us very close for siblings. We've always just gotten along really well, because we are so similar to each other and so different from everyone else in our family. But now that I am in college, more often than not, I want to talk to Caroline because I know that she will understand in a way that no one else can. Don't get me wrong—Liv will always be my best friend, and I will always love my parents.

But when it comes down to it, Liv is my best friend for the same reason I can't talk to her about these things. We are different people. She is not like me. In that way, we learn from each other. In this particular case of me adjusting to school, I am not in the mood to try and translate my tangle of feelings, though. I want to throw them at someone who already gets it, and that is Caroline. Caroline, who is a slightly different strain, a mutated species. Or am I the mutated species because I am younger? Who cares. Point is, communication with Caroline is efficient because I don't always have to word things the right way—she just gets it.

I am shaking from the two cups of coffee I've had since I woke up a couple hours ago.

The whole phone conversation with Caroline led to a realization that I think was less of an epiphany and more of an... uncovering. I already knew it, in other words. I just wasn't willing to admit it. And that is that I idolize intelligence and shit like that. Which means that I don't really... feel that I have value, because I don't feel intelligent. Poor Caroline. I feel kind of bad, unloading all this stuff on her, but I was really suffering that night. I realized all of my self-worth is tangled up in writing, every single thing about me that I can love has to do with writing, and so when writing is ripped away from me, I am just... nothing. It wasn't exactly ripped away from me during Thursday night's workshop, but it did feel as if people were digging directly into the meat of me, right off the bone. And I am quite prone to magnifying the negative while almost ignoring any positives, so that was another issue with that night. I always remember what Sandwich said: you wear your emotions on your sleeve. I wonder if I looked as crushed as I felt. I really hope not.

The kid I have a crush on, Daniel, did say some useful stuff. Like, really useful stuff (some good stuff, some bad). It made me like him even more, so I am going to do the unprecedented and actively pursue him—partially to contribute to my search for a guinea pig, as suggested by Lancelot, but also because I find him interesting. He said this on my piece:

"Awesome. Great voice, great SoC. You captured this thing that people do really well, and I've probably thought 90% of this down to the letter myself, so it was cool to see it written down *some stuff scribbled out, but I think it says: especially in such an entertaining way*. But yeah, narrator is me and that was awesome. Narrator is everybody, probably."

Annnd here are some things Caroline said in an e-mail that I am afraid I will forget very quickly if I don't "immortalize" it (or at least prolong it?) in this diary: (IN CASE IT WASN'T CLEAR, THE REST OF THE ENTRY IS WRITTEN BY CAROLINE. SHE TITLED IT "I REFUSE TO EDIT THIS EMAIL" SO IF THERE R MISTAKES.... YA) (Also, Ronks is my childhood nickname)

The brain is backwards lately (and the thoughts wiggly, cold fish, always wanting to disappear back into black water) so I am writing instead of talking to you on the phone.

First of all, I read your piece and it seems clear to me that your classmates just need guidance through your writing.

I don't really understand what the fucking big deal is, like---I don't get why people get all weird and panicky in big open spaces but they do. CAge 'em in. They're god damn cattle ronks. Wrangle 'em.

Okay, anyway, I think I get it. I get why they're lost, and it's because they have no reason to think they're just reading a fragment of something.

Unfortunatly, when you hand something to people they have to assume and treat it as if its fully fleshed out work. I remember when Antonia was in a writing workshop people would often send stuff out with disclaimers at the top saying something like (Yo, sorry this is crap, I didn't finish it.) but doesn't sound like anyone does that there.

If you hate it, and it hurts to look at, just chuck it but this is absolutely no reason to give up on writing.

It seriously was not as bad as you made it out to be and It's only *confusing* because you are writing without trying to say anything.

Maybe:

1. Have an opinion about something.
2. Make a world that makes other people think they formed this opinion on their own.

I don't know if that's good advice or bad advice but just try it and see if anything happens. I think your classmates are reading your writing waiting for you to tell them something and you are writing without the intention of saying anything. Instead you seem to be making observations and recording them. You are collecting data and presenting data.

Write something, and send it to me when you do. Keep writing Ronks! It will get better and I think slowly but surely you will recover from these blows.

Dust it off. Don't be too hard on yourself. You said it wasn't your best work, so you can't take anything they said too seriously. It wasn't even your best work. You can cry harder when they shit on your real work. (That could happen, and you know what? You will survive that too, and learn a lot from it.)

Also, stop idolizing the smart and talented. They can't help what they are and you can't help what you are. It's luck, it's genetics, or sometimes it's just an illusion. Be gentle and generous with yourself because you are a human being who needs to experience love and kindness to thrive. The sooner you can learn to treat yourself with compassion the closer you will be to finding that place where you feel like you bring something of value to the world. Abusing yourself will make you a child. Learning to treat yourself with kindness will be the hardest thing you ever do but if you stop rolling your eyes and take it seriously you might actually learn to see the world for what it really is.

And one last thing: you ARE special. And I know that because I watched you grow up. You always impressed adults with your self-sufficiency, and my friends always told me how smart and funny they thought you were. You always worked until you got what you wanted, whatever that thing was. (Probably the first time i noticed it was with getting a dog.) You have a lot of amazing qualities and it would be a mistake to underestimate your abilities. Try to have some respect for yourself and the things you've overcome. You're doing great Ronks. Treat yourself like a friend, treat yourself like a lil' fish or a puppy dog that you love.

Okay? I leave you with a quote by Edward Abbey:

"One final paragraph of advice: Do not burn yourself out. Be as I am-a reluctant enthusiast... a part time crusader, a half-hearted fanatic. Save the other half of yourselves and your lives for pleasure and adventure. It is not enough to fight for the land; it is even more important to enjoy it. While you can. While it is still there. So get out there and mess around with your friends, ramble out yonder and explore the forests, encounter the grizz, climb the mountains. Run the rivers, breathe deep of that yet sweet and lucid air, sit quietly for a while and contemplate the precious stillness, that lovely, mysterious and awesome space. Enjoy yourselves, keep your brain in your head and your head firmly attached to your body, the body active and alive, and I promise you this much: I promise you this one sweet victory over our enemies, over those deskbound people with their hearts in a safe deposit box and their eyes hypnotized by desk calculators. I promise you this: you will outlive the bastards."


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