Wr1tt3n0ne

Bunches and bunches
2017-11-04 02:36:38 (UTC)

Proper Places

For much of my life I have suffered a cerebral dichotomy. My will for order and etiquette even, everything a place and everything in it. And my actual nihilistic life of breaking expectations and grossly swimming against the current. I have no special insight about one over another, just that both pull on me and a savvy observer sees which one it is today.


In relationships, it is hard. I can be so difficult and yet simple in my base desires. Successful lovers have learned to ride the waves, temper the switches in tide and that my fulfilled needs quell even the most vicious storms into placidly lapping shores. When my lovers find themselves thrown up on the rocks they yell of my fickleness, intellectual Eeyore-ism, and the lightening pain I dish out when I myself am hurt. Smart lovers cling all the tighter to me as I flail about and it calms me tremendously to be smothered so in my moments when I feel misunderstood, hurt and alone. Some actually force their physical holding on me, others refuse to leave my side, and others leave but letters come and then I soften all the same. I have long known what it was to be loved, because of people here and there who displayed a softness and made space for me in their lives. Some were family and some where friends, even acquaintances. But being able to return love, well that was quite beyond me for a number of years. And very often I failed to reach it altogether with some whose love I did take.

I tried not to take what I couldn't give back in the long term. As if duration had some moral tempering power. I suppose it has some, but it is weak excuse to stay even for a bit. Now I have love and I have little idea of when I find it unethical to give it. Must I hear those words echoed back to my waiting ears? Must their every action display this unsaid love of me? What if I just know as the saying goes, would that be sufficient? If it is not returned to me, do I still give mine? Where is the line between being used and loving first? Or is it always the right thing to do and just give it without thought to its return? Are all these questions even relevant if i cannot control who I love in the first place?

My will for order wants each and every bit of love, labeled and returned. My nihilistic self only wants to give and succumb, swooning under my basic drive towards love and physical intimacy. How many times have I insisted with a potential lover on a label only to rip it off and react anticlimactically to them. Call me your friend and I must be in your bed. Call me your lover and I must be a partner. Call me fun and I will wink out the first chance I get. I want and need my f*cking labels and I want and need to be unencumbered by them. And yet I demand them from my interests, often stopping just shy of the thresholds to extract them. I expect my interests to live up to the labels I assign them and still respond to my blatant flipping of them.

So tonight I instead tried something new. That guy did something I feel he did out of love for me. No label. I actually told him I wanted to leave it unnamed for now. And then I did something out of my love for him. These are small gestures and perhaps both will fade away before we label them. I wanted to try something different and now I have. It feels nice not to have expectations and although it is far from my norm, I think it may yet prove beneficial to leave these sleeping dogs lie a while longer. After all, twas not so long ago I couldn't use the word love, except for inanimate things. Maybe being able to use it, in a full set of all its myriad of meanings and have it hang out in the air between you and I, instead of him and I, will let me experience something new.




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