Snuffy

Danielito
2017-11-03 17:14:29 (UTC)

Breaking up with someone you weren't going out with.

On Sunday, Alex and I had planned to get together for some alone time at her house since it was her first day off work without her kids in a long time. The last few times we had gotten together we each had our kids so there wasn't much opportunity to focus on each other, something we both craved.
She was going to work two doubles the Saturday prior and wouldn't get home until 8am. We agreed that she would sleep the first part of the day while I was at church, then we'd get together the second part of the day. We would have a few hours together before she got her kids back at 8.
I waited for her text that afternoon but I never heard anything. I didn't want to text her out of fear of waking her up. The poor girl works so much and worked all night, I wanted to respect her need for sleep. So I waited and waited. To be honest, part of me wasn't really in the mood to go over there and make an effort to keep conversation going or to be funny. I wasn't feeling well either. I just wanted to stay home after a long week and relax. But I was willing and ready to head to her house the moment she texted, but she never did. Not until later that night.
She apologized and explained that she got off work late and had to do some running around like buy Halloween costumes for her girls. She then drove home from Spokane or wherever she was working which is usually a couple of hours away whenever she picks up agency shifts. Got home and realized she forgot dog food and had to go back to the store. Finally got home and ate something and tried to get a few hours of sleep, and then it was time to go pick up her girls. "Can't wait until I get caught up on my finances and I don't have to work so much. Anyway, g'night." she said.
I chose not to respond. Not because I was mad at her excuse -- it was a good excuse -- but because I realized at that moment that it was going to continue this way forever. Well, maybe not forever, but for the foreseeable future. Even though she got a new job where she has nights and weekends off, she will keep picking up agency shifts during her days off, and she'll give herself a day off here and there but they will get filled with all sorts of single mom, adult responsibilities. I realized that she was just too busy to be dating, too busy for me. And I guess I lost interest, or hope.
The girl has her priorities straight. She is devoted to providing for her girls and she has to work a lot to make that happen. It's commendable. But we've been trying to get this thing off the ground for 4 months and it feels like it's going nowhere. Not enough momentum.

She noticed I went silent for a couple of days and she texted me asking if I had disappeared. I hadn't texted her because I was tired of all the mundane texts about how work is going and blah blah blah, with no payoff. No funny texts, no fun flirty stuff, just lame texting, and on top of that, we can't even seem to get together. I was conflicted about where to go with her. So I didn't say anything. I wanted to say it's ok, but it wasn't ok. It was ok that she was busy doing responsible things, it was ok that she's putting her girls first. But it's not ok because we don't have time to work on our relationship. What relationship anyway? We're just getting to know each other. But we've been trying to get to know each other for 4 months and it feels like we're spinning our wheels. Feels like it's going nowhere.

So when she texted me, I had to say something to explain my silence. And it all came spilling out. Everything I just typed, only more concisely.
She didn't take it well. It surprised me. I figured we'd be on the same page. But I was foolish to think that. For her, I'm a huge step up. She hasn't dated in 9 years and was married to a douche. She didn't even marry him out of love, she married him because of a one night stand and got pregnant. So for me to come along and pay attention to her and spoil her and treat her right it's like a dream come true.
For me, however, I'm bored with the whole thing. I'm looking for something more serious, for someone who is more available.

But there were other underlying problems with her that I'm willing to face honestly now. She's a boring person. It's a product of working all the time and doing nothing but take care of her kids. She has nothing interesting to say. I was constantly trying to tell funny stories or say anything that would spark a great conversation but it rarely happened. She likes terrible music. She might be a little to politically conservative for my taste. She has an MLM "business" which are a waste of money and time. And she was trying to take away her ex's kids away from him which I didn't agree with. She was doing it out of spite, blind to the fact that it was going to hurt her kids as much as it was going to hurt him.
She runs away from her problems -- she was going to move all the way to Texas (had the judge allowed it) partly to get away from her ex, partly to save face for some sins she didn't want to confess, partly to get a fresh start. But she admits she was just trying to run away from problems, rather than face them or mend them.

All those things are huge. I was looking the other way because . . . well, it's a wasteland out there! To find a girl who has a career, is responsible, not crazy, motivated, a good mother, healthy, same religion as me, attractive AND really likes me, it's really really rare, man! So I tolerated all the cons for 4 months because I also know that nobody is perfect and I'm not going to ever find someone who has it all. No flaws. It doesn't exist. And all that would have needed to happen for Alex and I to work is for her to have been able to be more available and more focused on us. That's it. I think we could have worked all that other stuff out. But if it's too one-sided, where I'm visiting her at work, and bringing her drinks, and offering to help with her house, and trying to find ways in which we could get together, etc., and she just works and works and works and send me texts from work, and is too exhausted after a week of work to go do anything, or she's catching up on her days off, or trying to spend time with her girls, there's no potential for relationship there. And that's ok. She's giving 100% to keep her head above water to make sure the most important things in her life are covered, and I cannot ask more of her. But I am also under no obligation to remain in this situation where I'm not fulfilled.




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