Darkcrow

Beatrice
2017-11-01 01:41:17 (UTC)

Sex Argument

Keith and I just had a really heavy discussion. It was more or less about how to handle our sexual behavior towards one another. It was supposed to be temporary but Keith broke down and cried, so I guess it's permanent now.

He wants the stupid things, that stupid teenage boys want. He wasn't specific but he said that he wanted a girlfriend that flirted with him all the time. Whatever, that implies, I'm not entirely sure. He said he didn't want to tell me because he wanted me to be creative. I'm not really sure what that's going to accomplish.

I'm uncertain about this whole thing. I want to tell him but I don't want to upset him again. He's had a very emotional day today. He told me that he was going to kill himself. I spent hours trying to convince him not to.

Overall, today wasn't a good day. I don't think any day from here on out will be. I think may once I get used to flirting with him and exposing myself in the embarrassing ways that I do not feel accustomed, I'll be alright. Now good, but alright.

Even after this talk, I still feel like I'm giving my body away, you know? Like...almost to a pimp kinda. The way pimps always say that they love you and then shit goes down and they (fake) apologize to you for something that happened. Keith means it when apologizes but it's also not real. I mean, it's real but it's almost like a dream. Like I imagined the apology because he does the same shit again. It's a cycle that we have that's going on and on and on. I hate being a part of it but I think that's what's going to have to happen.

We just got off the phone and I almost told him about it but I know how it would have went down. He would have said, "You know what babe? Just forget about it." And then I would say no, and he would say no. Then he would try to break up with me. In between I would try to keep us together. Cheap words, harsh promises (that I'll eventually break) and then he sucks up his tears. Then he'll sniffle a couple of times and then he'll say, "Okay. Okay. Alright, I'm okay." And then I'll make sure he is for a few minutes and then we'll get off the phone.

To be honest, I lied to him about it. Hell I can even be honest with myself about this right now. I don't know if I can handle this. I'm not flirtatious, I don't like taking picture. I HATE filming those videos and well...honestly, I'm too embarrassed to do any of this. I'm definitely going to be outside of my comfort zone tomorrow.

You know what's worse? I have an exam on Thursday that I haven't studied for. You know what else? If I don't pass this class I probably wont have a junior standing by the end of this school year. I also have two readings for tomorrow. I'm hoping they wont be too harsh. Thank God I took a nap today. I'm sure it was his will. I just UGGGHH.

This school year, on top of my anxiety and depression, on top of this stupid, fucking relationship. I mean, it's a lot. Not to mention the abortion I just had. I've stopped crying about it but it still hurts. Every time I see a child, I think, damn how far along would I have been? Or when Keith and I fight, I think damn, I wonder if we'd be fighting like this if I decided to keep the kid. I really don't think so.

Or maybe we would. We're probably just volatile at this point. Honestly, I just don't know anymore.




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